Tired of hitting refresh again and again to see all of the amor-adjacent hilarity at the top of the page? Well, all of the quotes you enjoy every Valentine's on this site have been collected here -- for your enjoyment! (And if you are here on Valentine's Day, I can only assume that enjoyment is something you are in dire need of~!)

Of course, what we are actually "celebrating" here is Singles Awareness Day, which is disputed to take place the day before, after, or of the lesser V-Day. So I decided, why not spam out my depressing message all three days? And then on this page year 'round!

"I hate the people that love me, and they hate me!" - Bender, Futurama

"Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie: never love anything."

"Even you?" - Lisa

"Especially me." - Homer, The Simpsons

"Valentine's Day is coming? Aw, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again!" - Fry, Futurama

"Avoid, if at all possible." - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on the subject of Love

"And the moral of this story: Never get close to anyone." - Crow, MST3K

"Dating is for ugly people." - Law & Order

"Children don't date the way we did." - Law & Order

"It's beautiful." - Leela

"So are peacocks, but you don't eat them until they're cooked." - Fry, Futurama

"In heaven, there is no marriage, and we suspect an abundance of it in Hell." - Sarah Vowell

"I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels." - Homer, The Simpsons

"But then you find someone you love so much, it hurts." - Marge

"Who is it?"

"You, Homer"

"Woohoo! In your face, imaginary guy!" - Homer, The Simpsons

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." - Mitch Hedberg

"Remember, kids, love only leads to pain." - Future Mandy, Grim Adventures

"You're the best I could find, and I'm the best you could find, and we figured it out at the same time." - Carlos Mencia

"One divorce was enough for me. I don't know how you did it four times." - Fin

"Gotta play to win." - Munch, Law & Order: SVU

"How about 'Crocodiles bit off my face'?" - Bart

"That's disgusting! Besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if a crocodile bit off his face."

"I may hold you to that, Marge." - Homer, The Simpsons

"I give up. Did anybody learn anything about love today?" - Marge

"We learned it screws everybody up." - Bart, The Simpsons

"I seem to be the cure for nymphomania, apparently." - Craig Ferguson

"You know what a street fair is? It's a typical girlfriend idea -- it sucks, and it's gonna take all Saturday." - Bill Burr

"Man, you are such a cynic when it comes to love." - Detective Green

"Not love -- marriage." - Lenny, Law & Order

"Dad, you said the only thing that matters is what's on the inside." - Steve

"Oh, grow up. The outside is the only thing that matters. Nobody cares what's on the inside. If they did, I would have married that smart, fat girl I used to have all of those deep conversations with." - Stan Smith, American Dad

"It's amazing how the internet has changed my life. Now I'm being rejected by women all over the world." - Cosmo, Shoe

"Unattached, drifter Christmas" - Dean Winchester's definition of Valentine's Day

"Why do girls ruin everything?" - Bart

"You say that now, boy, but when you're an adult, you'll only think it." - Homer, The Simpsons

"A pity kiss is still a kiss, and you know what they can lead to." - Bill

"A pity marriage." - Joy, Still Standing

"When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong, and when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong, and when a woman says something's not funny, you better not laugh your ass off!" - Homer, The Simpsons

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say it at all!" - George Costanza

"'Do you love me more than any other woman?' I don't know. There are over three billion women in the world. Let's just say you're winning so far." - Nick Griffin

"Guster, you've got to grow up. People have sex, and they kill each other. That's the real world -- not some magical, feelings place." - Detective Lassiter, Psych

"The dog must have took a bullet for the kid, and then took the shooter's finger off. Anyone ever love you that much?" - Detective Crews, Life

"All romance ends in despair -- or death, but most likely despair: gut-wrenching despair." - Detective Lassiter, Psych

"Still, I think they were happy, even if it was based on a lie." - Dr. Wilson

"Most happiness is." - House

"This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!" Lrrr of Omicron Persei 8, Futurama

"I'm not talking about what makes sense; I'm talking about relationships." - Burton Guster, Psych

"I give up." - Virginia

"The three sweetest words in the English language." - Ross, Raising Hope

"All romance ends in despair -- or death, but most likely despair: gutwrenching despair." - Detective Lassiter, Psych

"Today is Valentine's Day, so I just want to say to everyone watching at home, better luck next year." - Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live