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Tired of hitting refresh again and again to see all of the amor-adjacent hilarity at the top of the page? Well, all of the quotes you enjoy every Valentine's on this site have been collected here -- for your enjoyment! (And if you are here on Valentine's Day, I can only assume that enjoyment is something you are in dire need of~!)
Of course, what we are actually "celebrating" here is Singles Awareness Day, which is disputed to take place the day before, after, or of the lesser V-Day. So I decided, why not spam out my depressing message all three days? And then on this page year 'round!
"I hate the people that love me, and they hate me!" - Bender, Futurama
"Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie: never love anything."
"Even you?" - Lisa
"Especially me." - Homer, The Simpsons
"Valentine's Day is coming? Aw, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again!" - Fry, Futurama
"Avoid, if at all possible." - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on the subject of Love
"And the moral of this story: Never get close to anyone." - Crow, MST3K
"Dating is for ugly people." - Law & Order
"Children don't date the way we did." - Law & Order
"It's beautiful." - Leela
"So are peacocks, but you don't eat them until they're cooked." - Fry, Futurama
"In heaven, there is no marriage, and we suspect an abundance of it in Hell." - Sarah Vowell
"I've come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels." - Homer, The Simpsons
"But then you find someone you love so much, it hurts." - Marge
"Who is it?"
"You, Homer"
"Woohoo! In your face, imaginary guy!" - Homer, The Simpsons
"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that." - Mitch Hedberg
"Remember, kids, love only leads to pain." - Future Mandy, Grim Adventures
"You're the best I could find, and I'm the best you could find, and we figured it out at the same time." - Carlos Mencia
"One divorce was enough for me. I don't know how you did it four times." - Fin
"Gotta play to win." - Munch, Law & Order: SVU
"How about 'Crocodiles bit off my face'?" - Bart
"That's disgusting! Besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter if a crocodile bit off his face."
"I may hold you to that, Marge." - Homer, The Simpsons
"I give up. Did anybody learn anything about love today?" - Marge
"We learned it screws everybody up." - Bart, The Simpsons
"I seem to be the cure for nymphomania, apparently." - Craig Ferguson
"You know what a street fair is? It's a typical girlfriend idea -- it sucks, and it's gonna take all Saturday." - Bill Burr
"Man, you are such a cynic when it comes to love." - Detective Green
"Not love -- marriage." - Lenny, Law & Order
"Dad, you said the only thing that matters is what's on the inside." - Steve
"Oh, grow up. The outside is the only thing that matters. Nobody cares what's on the inside. If they did, I would have married that smart, fat girl I used to have all of those deep conversations with." - Stan Smith, American Dad
"It's amazing how the internet has changed my life. Now I'm being rejected by women all over the world." - Cosmo, Shoe
"Unattached, drifter Christmas" - Dean Winchester's definition of Valentine's Day
"Why do girls ruin everything?" - Bart
"You say that now, boy, but when you're an adult, you'll only think it." - Homer, The Simpsons
"A pity kiss is still a kiss, and you know what they can lead to." - Bill
"A pity marriage." - Joy, Still Standing
"When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong, and when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong, and when a woman says something's not funny, you better not laugh your ass off!" - Homer, The Simpsons
"If you can't say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say it at all!" - George Costanza
"'Do you love me more than any other woman?' I don't know. There are over three billion women in the world. Let's just say you're winning so far." - Nick Griffin
"Guster, you've got to grow up. People have sex, and they kill each other. That's the real world -- not some magical, feelings place." - Detective Lassiter, Psych
"The dog must have took a bullet for the kid, and then took the shooter's finger off. Anyone ever love you that much?" - Detective Crews, Life
"All romance ends in despair -- or death, but most likely despair: gut-wrenching despair." - Detective Lassiter, Psych
"Still, I think they were happy, even if it was based on a lie." - Dr. Wilson
"Most happiness is." - House
"This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!" Lrrr of Omicron Persei 8, Futurama
"I'm not talking about what makes sense; I'm talking about relationships." - Burton Guster, Psych
"I give up." - Virginia
"The three sweetest words in the English language." - Ross, Raising Hope
"Can you really put a price on love?" - Gene Belcher
"Yes you can. Twenty dollars." - Louise Belcher, Bob's Burgers
"Attractive people don't need to be secret admirers... because they're attractive." - Josh Matthews
"I would say I love you guys, but I don't want to say it, and you don't want to hear it." - Moe Szyslak, The Simpsons
"She tolerates me!" - Comic Book Guy, The Simpsons
"The only kind of man who would ask a question like that is a blind man or a stupid man. Which kind are you?" - "Macho Man" Randy Savage
"I don't think women are better than men, but men are worse than women." - Louis C.K.
"Yeah, I'm single. Give it up for loneliness!" - Leslie Jones, SNL
"You've got it backwards! Single people love Valentine's Day because we don't have to buy anything until the day after when all the chocolate is on clearance and we don't have to share!" - Maximumble
"It's very embarrassing having feelings." - Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn 99
"Just nut up and die alone." - Jeff, Community
"Why don't you go after a woman you own age? Y'know, who's like your intellectual peer?" - Mindy
"No no, I'm tall and handsome. I'm sure it won't come to that." - Jody, The Mindy Project
"You guys really are perfect for each other. Just like me and... oh God." - Dr. Reed, The Mindy Project
"He checks a lot of my boxes: he's a man, he has a face, he can go outdoors." - Gayle, Bob's Burgers
"C-, the perfect grade: you pass, but you're still hot." - Gina, Brooklyn 99
"Today is Valentine's Day, so I just want to say to everyone watching at home, better luck next year." - Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live
"Oh, c'mon, I've sure you've all had far worse than me. You probably aren't that hot yourselves." - Stanley Tweedle, Lexx
"Sigh, young love. Takes you back, hm?" ~ Puck
"... No, not really." - Stanley Tweedle, Lexx
"It was your fault; you married me." - Michael "P.S." Hayes
"Why would I want to go to a strip club? I'm married to a naked lady!" - Homer, The Simpsons
"Today is the day after Valentine's Day, which is Singles' Day... which is just a reminder to go to Wal-Mart for half-priced chocolate that nobody got you." - Stacy on the X
"Isn't that cute? It's nice to think that even if you're made of fire and covered in venom-filled syringes, you can still make some friends." - Real Monstrosities
"But she barely knows that I exist -- which is the only thing I got going for me." - Moe, The Simpsons
"If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it." - Ernest Hemingway
"I'm going to die like I lived -- nice and lonely." - Carl Carlson, The Simpsons
"In fact, when I imagine the person I'd fall in love with, the person who could bring me so much happiness that I'd want us to spend the rest of our lives together, god, it just makes me want to kill myself." - Lt. Gordon Malloy
"Huh, that seems reasonable." - Lt. John LaMarr
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