I found this on Pokemasters (more specifically, this post) and thought it was something worth bringing up here. Besides, I have the feeling that one of you wrote it anyways and would like to see your own work again.
And just for the record, I appreciate points four, eleven, and thirteen the most. The reason why can be simply explained with one of Homer Simpson's quotes: "It's funny because it's true."
Welcome to the Internet.
No one here likes you.
We're going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of you. And when you rail against us with "**** YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG *****!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more entertainment from your irrational fuming.
We will judge you, and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.
Some of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly **** with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.
For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.
Some of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule. We don't like you, but we do love you.
You will get mad. You will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and "geeks". Don't bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way hardcore rap has co-opted the word "******", turning an insult around on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.
"How dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.
Things like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here. We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.
Allow us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.
You may posses everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here: knowledge.
"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This attitude is universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real", anyway?
Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.
If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:
1) No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
2) Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.
3) Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your ****ing picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive website.
4) Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that, or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those sites sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like you.
5) Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your face after he explains current copyright and parody law.
6) The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.
7) We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up.
8) Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".
9) Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever use the term "surfing".
10) With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.
11) It's a hoax, not a virus warning.
12) The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before attempting to connect it to someone else's.
13) The first person who offers to help you is really just trying to **** with you for entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.
14) Never insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You may as well paint a damn target on your back.
15) Never get comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information, and information is our stock and trade.
16) No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.
17) You aren't going to win any argument that you start.
18) If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're already a ****ing laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.
19) If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.
Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone & hurt them.
We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the trouble and go away.
You can think of this as spam. You can think of this as plagarism. I think of this as entertainment.
By the way, credit goes to Raz for posting this on Pokemasters. It should go to whomever (s)he stole it off of, but obviously, s/he didn't give a name.-Arlen
"Cheers!"
LieutenantEagle
Posts: 953
Member #27
Sep 25, 2003 20:53
So, what was this post supposed to be? A sort of: "welcome to the real world" Morpheus-style hint to watch out for the Internet?LieutenantEagle
President of the SMFC
Super Mario Fan Club -------------------------
Did you know that if you put all the economics teachers in the world you would still not come to a definite conclusion?
Arlen
Posts: 29
Member #107
Sep 26, 2003 7:01
No idea what this is supposed to be (meaning, whether or not it is indeed a Matrix reference); I just thought of it as an attack on newbs to the Internet. You know the type. The ones who say, "I'm SuCh A KoOl PeRsOn!!!1 U should check out my webpage & see all my kool stuff!!1" (Dear god, I hate those types of people. And I can't say I have good things planned for the twit who invented sticky caps and l337.)-Arlen
"Cheers!"
Lugiatrainer
Posts: 400
Member #20
Sep 26, 2003 10:53
I like this!
I'll consider myself to not be in the AOL group since the only reason I still have it is that if I switched to a different ISP, everyone else at my house would hurt me.
\/\/4|7!
j00 g07z 4 pr0b13m \/\/|7 1337?!?!
Arlen
Posts: 29
Member #107
Sep 26, 2003 15:54
On Sep 26, 2003 10:53, Lugiatrainer said:
\/\/4|7!
j00 g07z 4 pr0b13m \/\/|7 1337?!?!
It's just that I'm rather annoyed by how many people intentionally abuse grammar. (And yes, I'm talking about both l337 and Internet shorthand in general.) I simply don't think it's cool if someone is in the eighth grade or higher and has to type something along the lines of, "u no im soooo kewl. im 2 kewl 4 u!!1"
Maybe it's just because I've been around a lot of forums with those sort of people on them. *cough*Gaia Online*cough*-Arlen
"Cheers!"
MadGoblin
Posts: 1515
Member #2
Sep 27, 2003 7:55
I have no idea what that was, but 'twas frickin' awesome!
And, regarding that n00b imitation: Pssh! Newbs don't use punctuation other than the exclamation point. You should know better!
Oh, how I hate n00bs.
And nothing is wrong with 1337. It's cool when used by people who deserve to use it. Sadly, dumb folk got their hands on it and tainted it like so much else.
Pssh! Newbs don't use punctuation other than the exclamation point.
Dang it! How could I forget that!?
But yes, the whole reason why I hate l337 is exactly because of what you said, MadGoblin. Everytime a newb shows up on the Internet, they have this strange idea that they're elite enough to use l337. Of course, then everyone's using it, and then it becomes such a common sight that it's utterly annoying.-Arlen
"Cheers!"
MintMan
Posts: 4061
Member #1
Sep 27, 2003 20:17
Note: There is nothing wrong with 1337. There is something wrong with l33t, however. Lousy n00bs all making up a ghetto language because they cannot learn the real one.
Also, it depends on what version of 1337 someone uses. Classic 1337 did not have a variant for every letter. That kinda stuff came later.
And do not compare 1337 with people using poor grammar and shorthand; 1337 is supposed to take just as long or longer to type stuff out. When people use "u" and other gay abbreviations, then there is a big problem. Puncuation, as already mentioned, is also a very key determinant.
Camo
Posts: 1609
Member #5
Sep 27, 2003 21:53
I dunno what the hell 1337 is, but using words like "u" and l8" and using a "&" instead of "and" is manly used for phone messages, silly muffin! Frenzal Rhomb - The greatest band ever THE SHINY THINGS - My webby, come join the forum, its not incredibly absene or nothing, no way!
Arlen
Posts: 29
Member #107
Sep 28, 2003 13:13
Sorry, MintMan. I got a bit confused since there's a lot of people who label l33t and l337 as the same exact thing. Thank you for clearing that up for me.-Arlen
"Cheers!"
Lugiatrainer
Posts: 400
Member #20
Sep 29, 2003 21:12
On Sep 27, 2003 7:55, MadGoblin said:
I have no idea what that was, but 'twas frickin' awesome!
What, my 1337?
\/\/4|7!
j00 g07z 4 pr0b13m \/\/|7 1337?!?!
(What, thou hast a problem with elite?)
MintMan
Posts: 4061
Member #1
Sep 30, 2003 9:32
No, Gobbo knows what 1337 is, LT. He was referring to the post that Arlen made due to its hilarity.
And your 1337 is not awesome. You use that ghetto breed in between classical 1337 and full-blown every-letter-replacing 1337.
wyvernofab
Posts: 85
Member #162
Feb 7, 2004 19:15
'lousy'? now im just hrt i shall go to my room and take it out on my pilllow what is supposed 2 be?
[Editted by wyvernofab on Feb 7, 2004 19:16]
boyachi
Posts: 1161
Member #92
Feb 8, 2004 24:08
Well I am lost in the 1337 571 420 talk, but my life was almost ruined by #16, until I was saved by #19.
But that face is: "Oh for the love of god, this is absolutely pathetic..."
or "here we go again" or "why am I bothering to respond to this"Soon, the time will come. The Summer of the Dawn. Very soon. Honestly. Picking up on the virtual-edible-multiflavor-jawbreaker-candles. Got any drill skimmers?
wyvernofab
Posts: 85
Member #162
Feb 9, 2004 19:13
like what people never bother to hide from me! got it!cheese monkey
LieutenantEagle
Posts: 953
Member #27
Feb 11, 2004 17:06
I agree with mostly everything, especially that America Offline users are already condemned to be laughed at for eternity.
However, there is one point which is either incorrect, or I am very lucky - the one about not replying to spam, for you will not be unsubscribed.
Back in the day when my e-mail address was eagle@citrus.zzn.com (last time I checked it was ~3 years ago), I suddenly started getting spam messages from one company. Well, you may be surprised, but I sent a very menacing e-mail, threatening to refer to the legal system if this continues.LieutenantEagle
President of the SMFC
Super Mario Fan Club -------------------------
Ford, #1. Dodge, #1. Toyota, #1.
Who's #2?!?!?!
