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Board Writing :: RoR: Square-Rooted :: Page 4

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Posted by
Aug 9, 2004

"By any chance..." Said the trapped person. "Can you get this giant rock off of me?"

"Yeah, sure." The Mage concentrated all of his power into a single spell. A giant, golem-like creature appeared from nowhere, and lifted the rock off of it's helpless victim.


"...The rock is still on me."

"Well, duh! I'm an illusionist, not a summoner."

"Then why'd you make an illusion of the rock being moved?! How does that help?!"

"My old illusions instructor used to say: "If you believe it, then it is true.""

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Yeah, I know. That's what I said. 'cause I mean, if you think about it, no amount of illusion would be able to move a rock. It's just not possible."

"...So, um... how am I going to get out of here."

"Well, I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that eventually the massive mass of the rock would cause it to sink into the creamy center of the earth, and then your arms will be free!"

"Wait, wouldn't I sink with it?"

"Probably! Either way, you'll be waitin' here 'til you escape, or face an untimely and painful death. Of course, you probably could just lift the rock. It can't be that heavy. I mean, you did survive it dropping on you from whatever the distance from the surface of the earth to where you are now is."

"Why don't you move the rock?"

"I'm a mage, you dum dum! I have a strength score of -5. If I were to try and remove it, it would actually crush your arms even more!"

"Then why don't you try to push it on me and crush me more? Wouldn't that move the rock?"

"Perhaps... and if it doesn't work, I'll have your innocent blood on my hands! I win either way!"

The Mage set to work pushing on the rock, and with a giant "Spring!" sound effect, the rock bounced harmlessly away.

"Dang it!" Said the Mage. "Er, I mean, Hurray! You are save-ed."

"Good, now I can hunt down that jerk of an amphibian, whom I think I'm trying to kill." Eagle leaned towards the Mage, squinting. "Hey, wait, don't I hate you?"

"Yeah, but I hate you."

"Um, okay."

"Well, you see. Even though we both hate each other, I still need a bodyguard and you still need... um... Zipele Kolemoni! Hah! You can't kill what you can't see!"

"Um, I can still see you. You haven't moved. In fact, there's actually a neon sign above you... that's pointing at you."

"...Oops, wrong spell. Well, anyhow, we should probably escape from this death hole before we kill one another. It's common sense."


The Frogish Creature had been hopping around for a while now. Suddenly, he stopped. "Hey... wasn't I trying to kill that guy?" He turned back around, looking at the area from whence he came. "Nah..."

With that, a carton of foreign food passed by. "...I'm hungry." Said Minty. He began chasing the meal of chinese origin down a tunnel.

The D stood, staring blankly forward. The Goblin's sickly arm was around the rock, and both swayed back and forth.

"Three Score and Four Days Ago

We went into the Bard-run Show

And found that....juran...

es... That's my Cheese!"

And with that, the Goblin and Rock fell into a deep sleep. "I guess... I guess that it's a good thing that Rock stopped me from getting a drink." The Green One tip-toed over the fallen over bodies of his former comrades. "Yoink!" He exclaimed while he took the map from the fallen Gobling.

"Knowing that guy, this map will probably lead me to my death!" The D stopped. "..."

Two of the other adventurers were elsewhere in the mine of creamy-ness. "Stop!" Said the Eagle. The Mage promptly stopped. "Um, what?"

"I hear something."

A carton of food passed by them, following shortly by the Vagrant, who was jumping by at what seemed like a slower pace, but was still somehow keeping up with the "fast" food. (Bad Pun.... I am so sorry.)

"Let's follow him... them!" Said the Lt.


"Because we hate him!"

"Right, so we can kill him... or join him?"

"Of Course!"

"I hope he has some donuts..."

Posted by
Aug 9, 2004

"...But they are too quick for us to follow!" Eagle shouted. "How can we catch up?"

"Remember what I told you about illusion? Well..."

The illusionist raised his arms, which made feather-boots seemingly to appear on his and Eagle's feet.

"Just believe that they are there...believe..."

Eagle concentrated his thoughts on that, then began dashing towards the rapidly disappearing his surprise, he dashed with extreme velocity.

"Hey, wait for me!" shouted the mage. With this upgrade, it would not be long until they reached the vagrant.

"Now, one moment..." said the mage. "Are you sure you'll be able to make it through the fight after that rockslide?"

"Oh, right," Eagle said as he cast a healing spell.

"That's better," the mage responded.

Posted by
Aug 28, 2004

Gliding on feathery footings, Eagle soared to his target with a newly granted dream blade readied. Yelling fiercely, he drove the weapon through the vagrant's trunk and pulled downward, spilling his vitals onto the cavern floor. Spinning around, the edge took off the Blue's head, leaving him a mangled mess of gore. Triumphantly, the victor celebrated as a flock of people swarmed to his side, cheering. He was crowned in gold and given medals of doughnuts, just like he wanted.

... wait, no, that's what he wanted!

"Hey, what's the big idea!" The world drifted away like mist in the wind as Eagle found himself still standing next to the mage. "Why did you make an illusion of all that stuff?"

"Dang," the wizard puffed. "It looks like all that crap spouted by my master was, well, crap after all... like I and everyone else in the world already knew... cough."

"... did you just say 'cough'?"

"Um... no?" the illusionist replied. Angrily, the other stomped towards him, rolling up his sleeves. "Er, let me guess: I made your Hate List, right?" Eagle nodded. Twiddling his fingers and closing his eyes, the mage whispered, "I believe you are dead, I believe you are dead." Peeking his eyes, he still saw the advancing man. "... damn."

Slowly bounding after the Chinese food, the vagrant stopped dead in his tracks.

"Wait a second, Chinese food isn't fast food at all!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" the carton, having backtracked to the wanderer, asked, in Chinese, of course.

"Hah! Sucker!" the amphibious one shouted as he sprung onto the food, swiftly devouring its contents. "Oo! And it came with a toy suprise," he gleefully squealed as he pulled an object from his mouth, the small skeleton of a dog. "It's a top! Hooray!"

"I don't think that's a top," the wizard commented, leaning in from seemingly nowhere.

"Bwah! What the hell are you doing here?" the vagabond queried in a startled scream.

"Saving my own skin, what else?"

Meanwhile, much further down the corridor, Eagle wildly swung at an illusion of the mage, screaming at it to die. The image, set on a loop, was programmed with phantom sounds.

"Pssh! Is that the best you can do? You novice!" it mocked. "Pssh! Is that the best you can do? You novice!"

"You jerk! I'll kill you yet! Yargh!"

"Heh heh heh," the cyan frog chuckled. "It's funny 'cuz it's what he's doing." His laughter was cut short by the sound of swiftly advancing footsteps. By reflex, he lept to the ceiling. The mage was not as swift to react.

"Hey, what are you doin- ow!" Tumbled over by a blulky figure in green armor, he flailed his armors in demand for his removal from his form. Which, came out more as crying.

"Alright, you big baby, I'm getting up. Geez," Vincent complied.

"And just what are you doing here?" the blue one questioned, returning from the ceiling.

"I'm- uh, not fleeing with drunken gnome booty," he lied, sliding the stolen map behind his back.

"Hey, I saw that!" The wizard ratted him out. "You stole a map from that goblin, too, didn't you?"

"Too?" both those who were not the illusionist inquired.

Revealing the treasures of his own, a map and compass, he explained, "I swiped these from the sucker some time ago. Do you realize what we can do with all three of these quasi-legendary objects?" His eyes gleamed with sinister possibilities... of doughnuts!

"When there powers combine," the Vagrant declared, snatching each of the items and mashing them into a ball, "they are Captain -" In the middle of immense anticipation, the other two stared open jawed, eagerly anticipating what would be said next, but it never came.

"Suckers!" Taking his ball of booty, the amphibian bound straight upward, breaking through the earth with his mighty spear, rising out of sight.

"... well, ain't that a bugger..."

Posted by
Oct 10, 2004

Previously on Rumbl-O-Rama: Square-Rooted -- Legend of the Legendary Wheel - Act I: Who Cut the Cheese? The Impossible Meeting of a Rag-Tag Team of Heroes and a Frog

"I'm Mad Goblin! I'm drunk! Time for me to do something stupid!"

"Not so fast! I'm the guy who was not part of the original story. Time to get offended by people trying to make the storyline funny by being mean to me!"

"You might be new, but I'm such a n00b that my additions were deleted, so I'll shut up now," said a silhouette that promptly vanished.

"Oh yeah?" challenged a man-sized frog. "Well, I can be stupider than all youse combined! I'm only journeying because of rumours -- that I invented -- that the Hairy Dairy Fairy can give me a heart -- a heart to sell on the black market!"

"So my mother found the '666' mark on my scalp?" stated a forgotten-about child. "So the town trapped me in a tree and is trying to burn me? So what? I can get my demon birds to save me!"

"Oh yeah?" interjected the Whale-Riders, Illusionists, & Taco-Eating Robots Union member number double-oh-seven.... ty-seven. "I'll save you!"

"Hey, guy, why not take my fake map? It accidentally got enbued with magical powers from a Chinese vampire I devoured! Oh nos! Attack of the talking rock!"

"Rocks taste fun, yet another green character told. Hey, why'd I just narrate that part out loud, asked the D'Knight-Buckler. Because I am yet another character that acts stupid!"

"That stupid knight ate my legs!" complained the talking rock. "How am I supposed to run from that suppository robot now?"

"Why was I even created?" questioned the internal oven, which has intelligence for some reason.

"Oh-Snappicus Prime! The world almost tripped! We fall to the center of the earth now, which is sorta like a candy Easter egg, but with more nine-eyed moles named Pierre."

"I am le-French mole! I was an evil minion sent by the devil's child until I was converted by the power of love -- love for whiskey. Le-thanks, Gobbo!"

"Don't mention it, Pierre, and thanks for showing us that secret passage to the Mount of Olive Gardens! Who'd a thunk that getting so wasted on booze that we actually believed a way out existed would actually manifest itself into a real way out?"

"No one should think that 'cause it's a big, reeking wad!"

"That's what I am about to be," exclaimed a carton of fried rice which was the last will and testimate of a vanquished Chinese vampire. "Now I'm stuck in this stupid frog's stomach, and only he can hear me! I might just be another voice in his head, but at least I am one that is not primarily concerned with stopping the growing legions of alcohol-stealing trees -- that is only a secondary concern! I have much greater plans that need attended to..."

"What about me? I was an apprentice, but now I am alone, the only person left in the Earth's core."

"Now you know what it feels like!" screamed the WRITER #77.

"... so, how much of that stuff actually happened?" questioned the Ghobling to his new party, rolling up the chronicling scroll he brought out to refresh his own mind of what has transpired in their recent life.

"I... I think all of it," replied the illusionist atop his new bodyguard, the giant nine-eye mole. The goblin's eyes bulged, surveying the apparent proof.

"What's to complain about?" said the final member, the Vincent Knight. "We are the best team going for The Cheese right now, and that is because we are the only team. So let's just agree we won't turn on each other until one of us decides to betray the rest of us. Agreed." The team shook their heads in agree-ance, as such logic actually boded well with them.

"Alright, I got The Cracker-Compass and two maps!" exclaimed the frog-man. "Waitaminute, two maps of the same region that look different? Even I know what this means," he continued in self-dialogue. "... it means I cannot get lost!"

"No, it means one is a fake," a voice echoed from deep inside the vagrant.

"Get out! Which one?"

"Um... the one that says 'Fake Map' perhaps?"

"Both of them say that, silly mysterious voice I am not questioning why exists!"

"No, the one that is titled 'Fake Map'. You are reading the region for the River of Fake Map."

"River of Fake Map? Just one?"

"It is a really big map... why are you not disturbed by this voice coming from your stomach?"

"Aren't you that singing fish I ate?"


"Talking rock?"


"Hello!" greeted the talking rock.

"Small child?" continued the blue one.

"No -- why did you eat a small child?"

"There's no candy in here!" cried the little girl.

"I did not think you had enough time to cook..." muttered the amphibious one.

"I'm the fried rice!" telepathicly screamed the ancient spirit. "You know, the one food-related item you have actually devoured in this story."

"That doesn't sound much like me..." trailed off the dervish.

"Dining out with a woman doesn't sound like you. Scarfing down Oriental cuisine alone and in the dark to mask you pain sounds exactly like you."

".... touché. Well, how come you are still alive down there? The fish ain't singin' no more."

"I'm still alive!" still cried the small child, that is, until the vagrant fell on his own spear.

"What was that sound?" asked the rice. "Did you just stab yourself?"

"I think so," said the little girl.

"Still? Maybe I should have aimed for my stomach instead..."

"Look, this has been going on for too long. I cannot get out of here-"

"Yes you can," interrupted the vagrant.

"... okay, I want out of here, but I also don't want to get out of here, if you know where I am going."

"... through my colon?"

"... yes. At any rate, for brevity's sake, I need you to continue with the combination of the three quasi-magical items."

"Hmmm, I could use their power for my own, twisted end," whispered to himself.

"I can hear you!" yelled the rice. "But still, combining there power is combining their power. It is the only way that my destiny of-"

"Enough of you!" quieted the frog. He jumped back produced the three relics one at a time from deep within his coat... after first stowing them back into his coat so that he could remove them for dramatic effect. "Map! Compass! Fake Map!"

The not-so-legendary artifacts lifted into the sky and spiraled overhead. "When our powers combine, I am Captain Map-Compass-and-Fake-Map!" the combination explained to its solitary audience.

"That's it?" sputtered the vagrant angrily at his gastro-geist. "It doesn't even look different! It is just a map and a compass and another map in relatively close proximity!"

And some place entirely different, the Lieutenant grows tired of battling illusionary foes in the earth's core.

"Huh... I wonder where all the lava is?" Just then, the nougat parted as a pool of molten rock seeped through. "Crapit." From a hole in the crust flew down a majestic (albeit demonic) eagle. "Hooray! I'm saved!" It, however, instead clutched an exclaimation point from the approaching, fiery goo and carried it away. "Gulp," stated the non-bird Eagle as an eruption burst up and congealed into an underworldly behemoth. Its skinned cooled in the air to a crackly, black surface save for eyes that burned like pin-point furnaces in the middle of its grimacing face. It leaned close to the adventurer, breathing a hot, smokey breath into his face.

"You know, magma is the proper term for molten rock underneath the surface. Lava is what it is called after being expelled," clarified the giant.

Elsewhere, a small child peeked over the rim of a giant nest. The demonic eagle returned with its building supply and awaited further instruction from its dark master.

"Excellent," deviously praised the demonkin. "Soon, my evil bird-nest fortress will be complete, and those adventurers of whom only one I have met shall pay -- for some reason!" said it, shaking a small, violent fist in the air.

Posted by
Oct 10, 2004

"So..." started the Illusionist, who was trying to break the silence that had fallen over the group while the frog was doing stuff elsewhere. "Do any of you have anything interesting that I can steal and run off with?"

"...nah." Said the Goblin. "I'm pretty sure I already gave you everything valuable that I owned, with little to no resistance at all. Too bad."

"D?" asked the mage.

"Well, I have this waffle maker that's pretty valuable." Said the D. "But it's got a small problem."

"What's that?"

"It doesn't exist."


The silence once again fell over the travelers, but this was welcome, as they were all thinking of some way to betray the others later. This silence didn't last for as long as it could have, though.

"I really want a waffle now." Said the green creature.

The other adventurers grunted in agreeance, as though "agreeance" was an actual word. The somewhat knightly one suddenly pointed forward. "Hey." He said. "Doesn't it seem odd to any of you that there are several storm clouds billowing ominously over what appears to be a giant bird's nest?"

The two non-somewhat-knightly characters grunted, but no one was for sure if it was a sign of agreeance or not.

The D grunted in response.

** There is still more to this story. Continue to the next page. **

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