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Board Writing :: RoR: Square-Rooted :: Page 3

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Posted by
Aug 8, 2004

"Hey, wait..." The Mage said to himself as he watched the Goblin trot away to his death, leaving behind his two precious relics without so much as a fight. "Wasn't I trying to stay in a group so that I would be part of the story? And don't I need someone to act as a shield? And whatever happened to that kid that I had saved?

"Hmm... I'm going to have to think realll hard about this." He began to focus

until he realized "Wait, that doesn't help at all. Oh well, I'll just go swipe that mysterious cheese and become all-powerful."

When the Goblin arrived at the location at which he was going to, he realized something odd very quickly. "There isn't a lot of doom or death here, as I expected."

The fiendish-looking fiend looked around at the non-threatening landscape. "Huh. And I was sure that that jerk of a wizard had tricked me into my untimely death."

The Green Thief searched through his pockets once more, this time pulling out a much more realistic-looking map. "Hey." Stated the creature. "This is the real map. I guess I accidently gave him the fake map that I had made to trick the other adventurers. Dangit! Now I will be unable to trick them with that map, seeing as how it is now longer in my possession... Unless I act like I did that on purpose."

"I won't tell anyone!" Said a nearby rock, who was both inanimate and without a mouth.


A battle rage on, one that would rock the very foundation of the earth. Blow after blow was cast, and after several hours of battle, the winner was obvious.

"Um, are you done attacking that tree?" Asked Eagle.

"Yes, I am quite done." Said the Vagrant, who was standing victorious over a fallen sapling. "Now, what was I doing?"

"I think you were announcing some sort of revenge against me, and then going about mercilessly slaughtering me."

"Really? That doesn't sound like me."

"You... you just... I mean... you even turned a challenging eye towards me. How could that not mean... something?"

"...Erm, I suppose that you are right. Now I will engage you in battle!"

Back to the Mage now...

"Hmmm.... I am beginning to question the validity of this map. Maybe it's the fact that it's drawn in crayon, maybe it's the fact that it's written on the back of a page from a coloring book, or maybe it's the fact that it's labeled "The Fake Map to Trick those Dummies." I dunno, but it seems mighty suspicious."

Posted by
Aug 8, 2004

The Ghobling stared at the rock for several minutes, before he responded.

"Argh! I dont have to tell you of my plans to capture the mythical legendary AND omnipotent cheese! Besides, no rock can stop me, at least not one without legs!"

With that he charged at it to cut off its legs, and then realized being a rock it had no legs.

"Whats this talk of a rock? Are you drunk?" An armored figure clad in green appeared beside him.

"If by drunk you mean salty then no."

"I meant intoxicated, and from here you do appear salty."

"ENOUGH!! Listen here mister.." stops to read the man's nametag "...VinnyD, we don't take too kindly to swashbucklers around here."

"But you just showed up here yourself, I even heard you say..."


Meanwhile, at a fight many miles away that seems to not have any chances to happen, based on the short attention spans of both participants.

"Time to exact my ultimate revenge for wha.... ooh!! Look at the kitty cat!"

And in another equally random location...

"Hmmmm, I should be at the cheese right now," The illusionist stated, "but this sign says I'm in the land of square doughnuts. Oh well, equally cool, but less powerful."

Posted by
Aug 8, 2004

Once more, the lieutenant struck the Mint Man.

"Thanks, Macbeth," Eagle said, talking to the cat.

"What the -?" the blue-clad vagrant replied. "Macbeth?"

"Yes," replied Eagle quietly. "I read the cat's mind and telepathically commanded it to distract you."

"Now I am VERY mad at you, rascal!" shouted the vagrant. "If it's hadn't been for that TREE which stole my booze with its branches, you'd be dead!"

Meanwhile, somewhere far off...

"....Hmm," says the illusionist. "I'm weary of this, and it seems as though I'm lost. Yes, it seems that I am lost. Where's that green ghobling?" The illusionist picked up a rock in despair and threw it out of his range of sight in no specific direction.

Unfortunately, what the illusionist did not see is that the rock was swallowed up by a minor wormhole and ended up appearing near Eagle, hitting the remaints of the tree that the vagrant had so long worked to destroy. The rock rebounded into another, much greater wormhole, and ended up in the vicinity of one of the planets orbiting Alpha Centauri, where the planetary anti-meteor missile system promptly destroyed it. Since the vagrant was busy shouting at Eagle at the time the rock struck the tree, none of this was unfortunately known to the characters in our story.

Posted by
Aug 9, 2004

"Hey," thought aloud the mage, since no one else was around to hear him. "I wonder if that simple act like throwing that rock could have cataclysmic yet unseen ramifications that could mean the doom of us all?... nah!"


"Oh no!" a horrified goblin exclaimed at the terrors he perceived. "The Lands of Doom are not doomy at all! What a rip!"

"What are you complaining about?" said the D, who was not so much teaming up with the imp as happening to travel in the same direction. "You act as though the lack of doom is something cataclysmic."

"Well, you know," muttered the Ghobling, slumping his shoulders and diverting his gaze from the other green guy, "I kinda got my hopes up. Now how will I ever test out my Doom Umbrella," at which time he promptly produced a paper plate with a broken stick taped to the center area that showed signs of a failing attempt to be punctured. A small, sticky note had scrawled on it in crayon -- albeit in a fancy, medieval handwriting -- the name of the invention. Mispelled, of course, but fancy.

"I do not believe that will protect you from doom, Bim'," informed the buckswashler. "In fact, I do not even know if you would be safe if I threw this peanut I just found at you."

"Hey, shutup!" snapped the kobold, shiftily casting his gaze about thisaway Shifty Eyes "Doom doesn't know what doom can or cannot.... doom. I bet if it reads this is a 'Dumumberella', it'll just back off without even trying!"

"That is by far the stupidest thing you have thought of in the last ten minutes!" he exclaimed. "Sorry, Eat-First-Cook-Later Internal Oven, but you've been usurped!"

"I'ma suppository!" the odd, walking contraption gleefully stated.

"I'll take your word for it!" dismissed the knightly one. "Besides," he returned his attention to Gobbo, "who would be incompetent enough to fall for something so obviously fake?"


"Well, square donuts are sorta like doom," the illusionist stated, now well within the heart of a very bakery-smelling land. "The edges do keep poking out my eyes when I try to eat them." His eyes widened as an expression came over him that could not have been clearer if an exclaimation point jumped from his head, but one did anyway, and it was thusly carried off by a bird to build its nest. "Oh, waitaminute, food goes in here!" he stated, pointing to his mouth. "Mother was right when she told me to carry around that diagram," he chuckled loudly.

He then quickly checked his solitary surroundings. "Sometimes, it is better that I am alone."


"Why won't you leave me alone?" cried Eagle. "This battle won't go anywhere if you never take action." The vagrant lifted a rocky eye to him. Most of his new skin had already shed away from the endless attacks, but his fight was still far from over.

"Then you shall meet your doom!" he boomed, relinquishing his guarded stance and coming down with all his might onto the leaf before him. "You thought you could escape from your brothers' fate, but you were wrong!"

"Okay, all of the sapling is dead," assured the non-descript adventurer frustratedly. "Your aardvark sausages or lemming pie or whatever it is you were babbling about being stolen is safe now. Can you just get back to trying to kill me or something?"

"Well," began the blue, "since you asked so nicely." With an amphibian leap high into the sky, he drove his weapon well behind him, firmly grasped and ready to impale some unfortunate someone. The remaining fragments of stone melted off in a green aura and were absorbed into his skin. He spun about mid-apex, pulsating with a palpable rage. With a wild dervish yell, he looked down to his target.

"Oh snap, this is gonna suck."



"I said that it is going to suck us into the depths of a netherland of some kind," re-explained Bimble. "It is a big plug in the middle of the Lands of Fate. It can lead no where I would want to go."

"Awwww," whined Vinny, dropping the chain to which it was attached. "You're no fun."

"But I'm still alive," said the for-some-reason-smart-this-time goblin. "That is more than you could say if I were not here to protect you from doing stupid things like unleashing the wrath of some hellbent underregion."

"Who won't what how now?" questioned D, again ahold of the chain, but this time no longer attached to a plug sealing away the evil drain.


"O! blackest abyss!" lamented Writer, peering through the hole of an especially large donut. It orignally began as a bet with himself that his head would fit, but he had then discovered its quite curious contents. "How strange that this square donut leads to a bottomless pit! Well, I mean, it looks bottomless, at least. At any rate, it would be a prime place to safely dispose of this bomb I have been carrying for quite some time," he told to no one in particular, casing down the DVD of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.


"Oh crap!" screamed the green fiend. "You've unlocked the gate to an evil world that was for some reason stopped-up like a bath tub, but strangely, we survived!" He surveyed the small landmass to which both clung, floating on a very tall, very narrow stalagmite in an empty mess that was once land.

"How was I to know that the evils of the netherworld would try to vanquish everything in ours?" reasoned the D. "They said they had candy!"

"Well, do not you worry," said the gobliny guy. "By my calculations, this spire will not collapse unless something really catastrophic happens someplace deep in the earth, and what are the chances of that?"


"Wowzers!" cornily said the illusionist. "Look how deep into the earth this bottomless pit goes!" Little did he know that it was in fact not bottomless, but very well bottomed. Bottomed in such a way that the wretchly cast materials were almost arriving....

"And I can get a really good view hanging in here by my feet!" again exclaimed the illusionist. "I hope nothing of catastrophic, groundshaking proportions occurs here that would cause me to fall and other unnamed, farreaching consequences."

And explosion that ripped through the very foundations of the earth ignited once the bombest of all bombs dropped. Its consequences were many and farreaching.

"Did you feel that?" asked Vinny.

"Of course I did!" retorted Gobbo. "It only knocked our little rock formation slanted by a large degree."

"But... it didn't collapse into the deathly abyss below."

"My calculations must have been off," informed he, somehow freeing his hands to carve some calculations into the rockface. "I guess it will take two such catastrophes, but what are the chances of that?"




"The chances that there were for the first one to take place?"

".... shut up. I am sure somone somewhere was effected."


"Wowzers twice!" said Writer. "I cannot believe that huge explosion did not knock me into the bowels of the earth! How lucky am I? Now how am I supposed to get myself out of his hole?

"Oh well, at least no other catastrophe shall occur to ruin us all... or me, as far as I know."


Faster than sight, the vagrant streaked down to the ground, driving his spear deep. Eagle stood a distance away, blank faced, at the wanderer with his weapon piercing the ground.

"You.... missed?" he questioned. "I mean, I know I should come to expect this sort of thing from you, but that was an awful lot of set-up for something so utterly lam-"

"EVERYBODY DIE!" Tearing his spear from the ground, the vagrant unleashed the infamous Land Smite on LieutenantEagle and most parts of the world. Shockwaves thundered throughout all parts of the known world. Boulders launched forward at Eagle, hurrying him away in a hail of stones.


"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed the Goblin. "I was wrong again! What will it take to knock over this stupid spire!" Before he could complete his words, subspace ripples from a planet destroyed far, far away have reached earth through some sort of anomaly. "Thank you!" the annoyed fiend said as he plummeted to his doom.

And so all our heroes tumbled down pits of their own making to the center of the earth -- the crunchy, creamy, nougat-filled center.

"Ouch! It feels like I fell on somebodies head."

"Who said that? Is there anyone there?"

"What's that smell? Is there anyone there?"

"Whose horn is jabbing me?... wait, that's mine. When did I get a horn?"


"Oh, right."

"Wait, I can just make some light," said the illusionist, finally finding a use for his powers. He lit a faerie fire to encompass him and the being next to him. "Ah!"

"Ah!... wait, why are you screaming?" asked the Ghob.

"I just forgot what you looked like," Vinny D informed, "and wanted it to stay that way. Have you seen who else is here?"

"Time to find out who else is here," informed the frog, clicking a button on the side of his head to activate his high-beam eyes. Immediately, an unconscious and boulder-crushed Eagle came into view. Behind him stood a snarling, drooling cave worm. "Eye-lights.... off!"

"What in earth is that thing?" cried Vinny, as the source of their light drew nearer. The strange, glowing, nine-eye mole tunneled ever closer with its five razor sets of razor-claws wielding shaving razors.

"Why does a blind mole have nine eyes and emit light?"

"What did I get stuck with?" asked Writer, again all alone.

"I'ma suppository." The mage hung his head in shame, which promptly had an exclaimation point dropped onto it.

"Huh? Where did this come from?"

Posted by
Aug 9, 2004

"Well, this sure is a fine perdicament you got us into, Blue Boy," scolded the Lieutenant from beneath the boulder's weight. The frog man scrowled.

"Hey, this whole thing would have never started if you hadn't been such a loser," he retorted, and then muttered to himself, "I wonder where that thing is now."

"What thing?" demanded the crushed Eagle. "And could you not rub your slimy skin up against me! It's revolting! I'm not that way!" The beaming light of the Vagrant's high beams returned, spotting on the trapped adventurer and the cave worm coiled on his head. "-" he voicelessly screamed, "-"

"Holy moly! That thing could shave us eight ways to Thor's Day," Bimmblesnaff yelled, hiding behind his masterfully crafted Doom Umbrella. "You're not getting my beard, man! No way! I've been growing it out for years!" Using his filthy mitts, he shielded the three scant whiskers on his chin to which he refered to as the "beard".

"This is no time for dastardliness," proclaimed the D Knight, "but for heroism! Or, for lack of such, swashbuckling!" He whipped out his flexible foil and assumed the proper stance. "En guard!" The razor-wielding mole continued its gradual approach through the earth's creamy center. Shaving razors do not make for the best digging instruments, especially through nougat, as the goblin was all too familiar with. Now, had it been chocolate center, or maybe a creamy caramel, things may have turned out better for it. Back on track, Vincent had readied his sword, awaitinig his opponent to follow in suit. And he waited... and waited...

"What are you waiting for? Attack it," ordered the goblin while frantically digging an alternate route out from the hole with a some clippers.

"I... I can't! I just can't," Vinny spilled. "If he doesn't draw a blade, I can't sword fight him, and if I can't do that, I can do nothing!"

"Quickly then," suggested the imp, switching his choice of tool to a Bic Disposable, "try a'blusterin' and a'swaggerin'! Bluster and swagger!" Panicking, the blade wielder spouted many half thought up insults mainly gearing around the mole's mama, which it obviously did not understand, it being a mole and all, for they only speak French."

"Wee wee, yimmy-boy!" the nine-eyed mutant thundered repetitively as it broke down what little of the nougat stood between it and a fresh victim.

"Why don't you try doing something, you jerk," angrily suggested Vincent. "You don't even know if your 'digging' is going to get us anywhere!"

"Me," the goblin corrected. "It's going to get me somewhere. Besides, I know the course I'm trekking. According to this map that I 'inherited'," he explained, shifting his eyes sneakily, "I can make a tunnel due east of here and pop out right past the bounds of the Lands of Fate."

"The tunnel will only be dug in a horizontal line," questioned D, "but the path will emerge vertically?" The Ghobling nodded. "And the map just so happens to contain the exit for this random underwordly location we stumbled into?" The freak nodded again, more angrily. "The map, which happens to be scribed on the back of a Chinese menu?" The green skin threw up his hands and gave the green clad a look as though there was no grounds to why his methods should be challenged.

"That right there is the ultimate proof," the lunatic defended. "Everything Chinese is mystical, just like that Chinese girl I ate."

"Oh! So that's what happened," the swashbuckler underreacted to the situation. "You devoured a Chinese priestess and stole the map!"

"... yeah."

"But not everything Chinese is mystical," Vincent continued the unimportant arguement, the mole drawing ever closer. "I mean, what about fried rice?" At that very moment, a floating carton of take-out shot by, executing many complicated martial art techniques on the subterrainian beast, subduing it swiftly. Bowwing, it floated away just as mysteriously as it arrived.

"And you doubted the power!" degraded 'Snaff.

"Shame on you," scolded the talking rock.

"Regardless," said the fiend, not even acknowledging the rock's speech, "this calls for some rejoicement!" Then, Bimmblesnaff oddly eats a beer in celebration as opposed to drinking it.

"... can I have some?"

"No," answered the rock. "But I can." The sprite shrugged.

"I can't disagree with him, man," he told. "I mean, who could?"

"Get it off, get it off, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" screamed Lt. Eagle, as he helplessly struggled to pull his arms out from beheath the giant rock.

"Ew, no! I'm not touching that thing," rejected the amphibious one. "I'm not sliming up my slimy hands with that thing's slime! It's disgusting!" Bored with the current situations, he squated his legs and bound off in a direction the novice was unable to see. The worm squeezed around his head tighter and tighter in strangle hold of death. Actually, the creature was very friendly and was just hugging the man, as it liked to hug things. However, due to its grotesque appearance, most people take offence to such acts and wish many a death upon the hideous hugger.


Just then, a wall gave way to reveal a brilliant light. A small sillouete soared through the gleaming towards the trapped human. It was a-

"-a suppository!" The oddly shaped device sailed through the stale underneath air and bounced off the worms head, landing on the ground. A figure poked through the illuminated hole, screaming.

"Stay the hell away from me," the magician shouted, "you- you- thing! Gaw! Who built an automatic mode into that thing?"

"Automatic mode?" questioned the worm, in an unsuitingly shrill and dignified voice. BOINK "Ehuehuehuehue," it squealed. "Oh, my word!" The worm then fainted, and the suppository was no where in sight.

"Hey, someone else!" gleefully stated Lt. Eagle, as he did not recognize the individual as anyone who had mistreated him... yet. "Did you get knocked down here by some number of earth shaking events, too?" The illusionist nodded. "Wow, it sure is a small world."

"And an even smaller center-of-the-world," the mage added.

"Oh, you mean because of the amount of space converges distance is travelled to a sphere's center?" cornily asked the trainee with a cheesy grin.

"... no," rejected the wizard, "I mean that there's not that much center left." He tore off a piece of the chewy earth and ate it. "Um, say, have you seen a little child by any chance?" The trapped man shook his head. "... dang."

** There is still more to this story. Continue to the next page. **

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