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Board Writing :: RoR: Square-Rooted :: Page 2

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Posted by
Aug 3, 2004

"You haughty, little ingrate," the goblin restated. "You would dare to attack your master?" The new comer stared him down with unwavering eyes. "Well, then, I only have this to say... Congratuations!"

"... wha?" the stupified Eagle spat out.

"To be so cunning and undermining as to attack the one who was training you-"

"No you weren't!" interjected Lt. Eagle. "You were just horrible abusing me!"

"Like I said, training you," the Ghobling continued, "you have proven yourself to be quite the sinister one, although don't expect it to happen again." To secure his own safty, he set a secret venom trap. "I can mold such fresh talent as yours to be quite advantageous to myself." The pointy fiend greedily rubbed his hands together.

"Really?" the seemingly undertaken apprentice questioned. "How so?"

"Well, for starters you can fetch me some nacho- hey! Get back here!" the kobold snapped as the man began to walk away with his eyes rolled. "I was joking! (I was serious. I'm hungry.). You really would be quite an asset to keep around. (You could be my human shield!) So why don't you stick around? (Man, that Kelly Hu sure is a hottie.) Some of my profound skill is bound to rub off on you. (I'd sure like her to rub off me.) 'Cuz she's so hot!"

"... w-what? Who's hot?" Eagle inquired. The freak, realizing his thoughts were mingling with his speech.

"Er, no one," he denied. "Did I say anything about a human shield," he whispered.

"A human what?" the trainee half caught his words.

"Excellent!" the goblin proclaimed. "Very well, come, apprentice of Bimmblesnaff. We're off!" As the green skinned one bound off, Lt. E straggled behind, scratching his head.

"A human excellent? I don't get it..." He warily followed in suit, unsure of what he had just gotten himself into.

Posted by
Aug 7, 2004

It was not until nightfall that Eagle realized exactly what was told to him of his being a human shield and all that. However, thinking that he accepted the quest and that it was all his fault, he had no choice but to continue.

Suddenly, a vagrant appeared behind Eagle and the Ghobling. Eagle heard the nearly silent steps.

"Umm, there is someone following us," Eagle said.

The Ghobling turned around, as did Eagle. The vagrant stopped.

"How now," he stated, "it's the Ghobling and his pet!"

"How dare you!" replied Eagle who then struck the Mint Man.

....At which the vagrant laughed. "That's the best you can do, weakling? And you, are weak and worthless for bringing this powerless fool on your adventure."

Posted by
Aug 7, 2004

"Ha ha ha!" The Vagrant repeated, for good measure. "That's the best you can do, weakling?"

An irrelevent NPC walked up to The Minty One, whispered something into his ear, and then quickly walked away. Mr. Blue then turned to face his two fellow adventurers, and quickly addressed the problem at hand.

"It has come to my attention" started Mintman. "that my arm has been, in fact, chopped off and replaced with a bloody stub. I am in a lot of pain. Three gophers do like fried cheese on a Saturday morning."

With that, he passed out from blood loss. "Um..." Started Eagle. "Do you think we should help him?"

"Erm, didn't you just chop his arm off?"

"No! He ran off with my weapon earlier, remember? His arm was chopped off when he got here."

Three hours later

The Vagrant woke up, finding that his arm was sewed back on and that the two semi-adventurers had left. In their place was another semi-adventurer, this one an illusionist.

"Did you sew my arm back on?" Asked the Vagrant.

"No. I think it was a gopher."

"...Why are you here?"

"I didn't want to be left out of this story, so I'm travelling with you for a little while."

"You picked me? Out of all of these noble questers?"

"No, you were the only one left. I considered suicide."


Posted by
Aug 8, 2004

"Typically," explained the blue one, "people choose suicide over me."

[True story!]

"Yeah, well," spake the disenheartened magician, "I lost the coin toss.... ten times."

"God must really hate you," reasoned the vagrant. He picked himself up from the him-bloodied ground and tested out the new connections in his arm. "How many times is this going to happen? I knew I should have used more bubble gum in the last surgery, but nooOOoo. 'Tis just too tasty to my tummy." With his one good arm, he took his mighty spear in hand and set forth along the path to the Mount of Olive Gardens.

"So," spake the newfound lackey, "we are venturing to the Legendary Cheese, eh? It's no Bacon with Wings, but I hear-"

"What?" stuttered the vagrant, halting too their trek. He turned a bulbous eye and curious look to his partner. "Cheese? What in Earth Day are you spaking of?"

"The Cheese," explained the illusionist. "You know, the point of this phantastical journey."

"I dinnae care for cheese!" explaimed he. "Well, that cheese, at least. Don't get me wrong -- I loves my cheese, but this quest is all about revenge for me. Revenge and booty."

"There is treasure with the Legendary Cheese?" Both then gave a blank stare to their reading audience.

"Since the latter is not available in these fora, I instead must draw blood from my advesaries and devour their children, or failing such, dogs and small rodents!"

"Why am I travelling with you again?"

"How should I know?"

"I wasn't talking to you," told the mage. "I was talking to myself... and I should at least know."

"... does it have to do with booze?" suggest the blue guy.


"Then we make a great team!" he cheered, and then took a swig from a tankard of mead that appeared from seeimingly no place.

"Should you really drink that much with all of your blood loss?"

"Blood loss? What blood loss?" At that, the threads gave way as well as his whole arm. "Hey, my gum!"

"Please don- ahhhhhhh..... you ate it."

"I've got some more bad news for you too," the frog mumbled before taking a large swallow. "That was not gum, but it is back where it belongs now!" The mage took rest on a nearby stone to sigh at the vagrant's words, an activity that has become quite tiring in their short time together.

"Mint, just because you devour a vital organ does not mean that it will magically appear back where it belongs."

"Who won't what how now?" asked the blue clad vagrant after choking down his entire arm.

"You and your ingenius brain expect to exact revenge just how now?" The brigand turned, standing just a few paces from the rock. He held down his head, eyes held tight, remaining silent, still for just a mement. From the gaping wound, a small, webbed hand pushed through the flesh. A strange, mucusy membrane fell to the ground as it pushed further and further out. He fanned out the fingers and twisted about his newly formed arm -- clad in a for some reason newly regenerated sleeve. Now accustomed to the new appendage's control, he began to concentrate. Small fingers of rocky formations snaked about his blue skin, encasing it beneath a rocky tomb. Thicker and thicker the layers became as he channeled the protection of the earth.

His two, brimming eyes burst from beneath the stone seal. Crags broke in as he exercised the joints, bending close enough to the ground to recover his dropped weapon.

"Like this," finally answered the frog in an echoing tone. With that, he mightily lept into the horizon, far from the illusionist, but very close to the others.

A blue clad crash stormed from above and into the earth before the group, tearing the turf and carving a trench in their path. The rock-skinned vagrant stood at the only pace he could -- not enough still to prevent his armor from loosing -- and turned a challenging eye to Eagle.

Posted by
Aug 8, 2004

The frogling shone his gravel shell. His immense weight forced him to reposition his feet to keep himself from sinking into the earth. Ever since his landing, the goblin had been inching himself away from the scenario.

"Hey, good luck with all that," stated Bimmblesnaff before flat out bolting away. "And remember all what I told you!"

"You mean," replied the unfortunate apprentice, "a'nothing?

"Yeah, that's the stuff," could faintly be heard as the green one disappeared over the horizon.

"Okay then, so you wanna start something?" asked Eagle, turning to face his foe, the look of worry leaving his face. He smirked. "Then let's get it goin'!" Throwing back his arms, bright flashes emerged from his body as his form twisted. Structures sprung from his back as his face tapered to a shart point. The formations grew wide and flat, finally being recognizable as wings as the flashes of color dimmed. When the brillance faded, pristine feathered wings graced his back while his face grew into a beak. His prior clothing was replaced with a blue outfit, topped off with a sweeping while scarf. His wings flapped as-

"Whoa, now," interrupted the rocked vagrant, "who do you think you are? Magic John? You can't do that!"

"I can't? Aww," Eagle whined. With a sudden pop, his shape reverted to a human. He still recieved a disapproving glare from the Blue.

"Come on now," he coaxed. "All of it."

"But I liked the scarf," moped the Lt. as the accessory vanished in a puff of smoke.

"There now, much better," the amphibian approved with a flick of his thumb. "Now, you can die," he stated, "slowly and painfully!"

"Aww..." Crouching his powerful legs, the wanderer sprung forth at his enemy...

Meanwhile, with wide strides the lunatic bound across the Fields of No Return and oddly was matched in pace by a robed one.

"Hey," the mage greeted betwixt deep breaths, "whatcha doin'?"

"Fleeing potentional danger," the freak answered. "I know when my beautifully ugly hide is in danger, and I dun likes it!"

"So then," the wizard pried further, "where are you heading?"

"Racing ... to the Dire... Mire of the... Hairy Dairy... Fairy," the kobold wheezed, never dropping speed. "I have to get there to retrieve the delectable Cheese of Ages before anyone else."

"You don't say?"

"I do say," snapped 'Snaff as though the statement was a challenge. "If I wasn't, would I have this map?" Reaching into his pocket, he produced the said item and handed it over to the illusionist. "It tells exactly what paths are the safest, secret shortcuts, how to overcome the many obsticals, and the code for infinate lifes. It's a very special relic that's been handed down my family for generations." The human stared at him quizzingly. "Okay, yeah, I don't have a family. I was spawned from mud and fear, but I did eat someone from the family who use to own it, so that sorta counts. ... right?" The blank stare made another appearance. The goblin's eyes slanted. "Still don't believe me, ey? Well, how 'bout this little number!" Reaching into his deep pockets again, he tossed a small object to the magic user. "It's a Limited Edition Dairy Locator Compass, specifically tuned to hone the frequencies of any Legendary Cheeses."

"You mean," spell flincher put, "the only Legendary Cheese?"

"... yeah, pretty much," agreed the twisted fey kin, "but what do you expect for a Cracker Jacks prize?"

"Wait, let me see if I understand this," rationalized the magician, "a mystical and unique relic came to your possession by means of a mere commercial snack product?" As the absurtity of the situations calculated through his mind, the green skinned one shrugged.

"So?" Rolling his eye, while rolling up the map, the wizard pointed to an evilly ominous area.

"Say, I think the next turn to the Mire is there," he lied, slowly breaking away to the correct path.

"Really? I don't remember the map mentioning the Lands of Doom?"

"Actually, to boost their image, it was changed to the Realms of Fate," corrected the mage, "a fate of utterly horrible and torturous doom."

"I'm liking it better already!" the gnome gleefully squealed.

"Well, they do say that the tourists never leave..."

** There is still more to this story. Continue to the next page. **

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