Previously on Rumbl-O-Rama: Square-Rooted -- Legend of the Legendary Wheel - Act I: Who Cut the Cheese? The Impossible Meeting of a Rag-Tag Team of Heroes and a Frog
"I'm Mad Goblin! I'm drunk! Time for me to do something stupid!"
"Not so fast! I'm the guy who was not part of the original story. Time to get offended by people trying to make the storyline funny by being mean to me!"
"You might be new, but I'm such a n00b that my additions were deleted, so I'll shut up now," said a silhouette that promptly vanished.
"Oh yeah?" challenged a man-sized frog. "Well, I can be stupider than all youse combined! I'm only journeying because of rumours -- that I invented -- that the Hairy Dairy Fairy can give me a heart -- a heart to sell on the black market!"
"So my mother found the '666' mark on my scalp?" stated a forgotten-about child. "So the town trapped me in a tree and is trying to burn me? So what? I can get my demon birds to save me!"
"Oh yeah?" interjected the Whale-Riders, Illusionists, & Taco-Eating Robots Union member number double-oh-seven.... ty-seven. "I'll save you!"
"Hey, guy, why not take my fake map? It accidentally got enbued with magical powers from a Chinese vampire I devoured! Oh nos! Attack of the talking rock!"
"Rocks taste fun, yet another green character told. Hey, why'd I just narrate that part out loud, asked the D'Knight-Buckler. Because I am yet another character that acts stupid!"
"That stupid knight ate my legs!" complained the talking rock. "How am I supposed to run from that suppository robot now?"
"Why was I even created?" questioned the internal oven, which has intelligence for some reason.
"Oh-Snappicus Prime! The world almost tripped! We fall to the center of the earth now, which is sorta like a candy Easter egg, but with more nine-eyed moles named Pierre."
"I am le-French mole! I was an evil minion sent by the devil's child until I was converted by the power of love -- love for whiskey. Le-thanks, Gobbo!"
"Don't mention it, Pierre, and thanks for showing us that secret passage to the Mount of Olive Gardens! Who'd a thunk that getting so wasted on booze that we actually believed a way out existed would actually manifest itself into a real way out?"
"No one should think that 'cause it's a big, reeking wad!"
"That's what I am about to be," exclaimed a carton of fried rice which was the last will and testimate of a vanquished Chinese vampire. "Now I'm stuck in this stupid frog's stomach, and only he can hear me! I might just be another voice in his head, but at least I am one that is not primarily concerned with stopping the growing legions of alcohol-stealing trees -- that is only a secondary concern! I have much greater plans that need attended to..."
"What about me? I was an apprentice, but now I am alone, the only person left in the Earth's core."
"Now you know what it feels like!" screamed the WRITER #77.
"... so, how much of that stuff actually happened?" questioned the Ghobling to his new party, rolling up the chronicling scroll he brought out to refresh his own mind of what has transpired in their recent life.
"I... I think all of it," replied the illusionist atop his new bodyguard, the giant nine-eye mole. The goblin's eyes bulged, surveying the apparent proof.
"What's to complain about?" said the final member, the Vincent Knight. "We are the best team going for The Cheese right now, and that is because we are the only team. So let's just agree we won't turn on each other until one of us decides to betray the rest of us. Agreed." The team shook their heads in agree-ance, as such logic actually boded well with them.
"Alright, I got The Cracker-Compass and two maps!" exclaimed the frog-man. "Waitaminute, two maps of the same region that look different? Even I know what this means," he continued in self-dialogue. "... it means I cannot get lost!"
"No, it means one is a fake," a voice echoed from deep inside the vagrant.
"Get out! Which one?"
"Um... the one that says 'Fake Map' perhaps?"
"Both of them say that, silly mysterious voice I am not questioning why exists!"
"No, the one that is titled 'Fake Map'. You are reading the region for the River of Fake Map."
"River of Fake Map? Just one?"
"It is a really big map... why are you not disturbed by this voice coming from your stomach?"
"Aren't you that singing fish I ate?"
"Hello!" greeted the talking rock.
"Small child?" continued the blue one.
"No -- why did you eat a small child?"
"There's no candy in here!" cried the little girl.
"I did not think you had enough time to cook..." muttered the amphibious one.
"I'm the fried rice!" telepathicly screamed the ancient spirit. "You know, the one food-related item you have actually devoured in this story."
"That doesn't sound much like me..." trailed off the dervish.
"Dining out with a woman doesn't sound like you. Scarfing down Oriental cuisine alone and in the dark to mask you pain sounds exactly like you."
".... touché. Well, how come you are still alive down there? The fish ain't singin' no more."
"I'm still alive!" still cried the small child, that is, until the vagrant fell on his own spear.
"What was that sound?" asked the rice. "Did you just stab yourself?"
"I think so," said the little girl.
"Still? Maybe I should have aimed for my stomach instead..."
"Look, this has been going on for too long. I cannot get out of here-"
"Yes you can," interrupted the vagrant.
"... okay, I want out of here, but I also don't want to get out of here, if you know where I am going."
"... through my colon?"
"... yes. At any rate, for brevity's sake, I need you to continue with the combination of the three quasi-magical items."
"Hmmm, I could use their power for my own, twisted end," whispered to himself.
"I can hear you!" yelled the rice. "But still, combining there power is combining their power. It is the only way that my destiny of-"
"Enough of you!" quieted the frog. He jumped back produced the three relics one at a time from deep within his coat... after first stowing them back into his coat so that he could remove them for dramatic effect. "Map! Compass! Fake Map!"
The not-so-legendary artifacts lifted into the sky and spiraled overhead. "When our powers combine, I am Captain Map-Compass-and-Fake-Map!" the combination explained to its solitary audience.
"That's it?" sputtered the vagrant angrily at his gastro-geist. "It doesn't even look different! It is just a map and a compass and another map in relatively close proximity!"
And some place entirely different, the Lieutenant grows tired of battling illusionary foes in the earth's core.
"Huh... I wonder where all the lava is?" Just then, the nougat parted as a pool of molten rock seeped through. "Crapit." From a hole in the crust flew down a majestic (albeit demonic) eagle. "Hooray! I'm saved!" It, however, instead clutched an exclaimation point from the approaching, fiery goo and carried it away. "Gulp," stated the non-bird Eagle as an eruption burst up and congealed into an underworldly behemoth. Its skinned cooled in the air to a crackly, black surface save for eyes that burned like pin-point furnaces in the middle of its grimacing face. It leaned close to the adventurer, breathing a hot, smokey breath into his face.
"You know, magma is the proper term for molten rock underneath the surface. Lava is what it is called after being expelled," clarified the giant.
Elsewhere, a small child peeked over the rim of a giant nest. The demonic eagle returned with its building supply and awaited further instruction from its dark master.
"Excellent," deviously praised the demonkin. "Soon, my evil bird-nest fortress will be complete, and those adventurers of whom only one I have met shall pay -- for some reason!" said it, shaking a small, violent fist in the air.