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Posted by
Jul 31, 2004

[This story was originally written in the forums, where the original copy can still be found. As such, it originally contained heavy use of the FtRPG system which was attempted to be removed for this version.]

Hear ye, hear ye! The Grand Quest for the Legendary Cheese is Upon Thou All! Whom shall maketh the trek? Art thee brave enough? ... th? If it be so, seeketh the Dire Mire, lair of the Hairy Dairy Fairy, just beyond the Mount of Olive Gardens. But many other parels do lay 'twixt these threats. First of trials shall be the Fields of No Return, for, once there, you shalt not redeem thou purchased goods at the shoppe for returned coin!!!

"Dairy Product of Lore?" exclaimed the mean, green fiend. "'Tis quite the interest... I accepteth this queer adventure, mysterious booming voice! Hopefully, no one else shall attempteth to hinder me in this quest..."

Pfft, like that'll happen!

It's not a sequal,
It's not prequal,
It's not sensical,
For another time around!
It's Rumbl-o-Rama Square-Rooted!

Make pace,
It's the race
To the place
To feed your face,
You'd better ace
With all your base!

[ Interactive Story / Role Playing Competition Crazyness ... Go! ]

Posted by
Aug 1, 2004

"And so do I accept this quest," a voice says from behind the green fiend.

"How now...did I not say that I wanted no interference in this quest?" the fiend asks.

"You did, and I am not meaning to interfere. Allow me to introduce myself, I am LieutenantEagle, and am entering solely for the purpose of gaining more skill with attack abilities. I'm but an apprentice now, but if you accept my help, I will certainly be of use to fulfilling your quest."

"Pshaw! What can you do?" comes the reply.

"Well..." He then fabricated a Knife. "Argh," says LieutenantEagle, "It's dull!! Well, if thrown at someone it can still hurt someone, I anyway, are you accepting my aid or shall we be opponents?"

[...So, is it going to be alliance or opposition? The reply to this post will show what comes of my fate.]

Posted by
Aug 2, 2004

In a shadowy wisp, a strange blue clad figure swipes Lieutenant Eagle's dull knife.

"Alliance is for chumps," the vagrant stated, half-turning his face toward the victim he had just streaked past, revealing a most devious smirk.

"Hey," complained the lieutenant, who had just figured out what had happened to his pride and joy, "how could you hear that part? It was said out of story context." The brigand's eyes glassed over to this impossible realization. His eyes rolled back, searching deep inside his shallow mind for something, anything that resembled an answer.

"Umm.... I am psychic?" he answered, although it sounded like a question.

"Oh, oka-- no, wait!" But it was too late. He spirited away the dull edge past either of their reach, and neither followed. The more adept goblinoid stared off into the distant dusty wake of the fleeing vagabond, mostly because it looked to him like a fluffy, skybound cloud.

"Heh, it looks like a bear."

"What did you say?"

"Er, I mean," quickly covered up the green guy, "well kid, I think you have learned one thing on your short adventure so far: you suck."




Eagle lowered his head in shame and realization of the truth.

"However, I, the Great Goblin Thief, am here," he boldy stated, stepping forward in a righteous pose and protruding a clenched fist ahead. "And when a master, such as I, and a lowly apprentice to adventuring, such as your sucky self -"


"- kill one another, then nothing can stop us!" His arm went straight into the air at the highpoint of this speech, exploding the background in a pyrotechnic display.

"Hooray!.... what?"


"But, I was just here," argued the blue clad vagrant. "Don't you recognize me?"

"I think I would remember if you were in here," the shopkeep told, surveying the cerulean-skinned creature standing before him, "ever. At any rate, I highly doubt we just sold you that knife."

"Oh, so just because the knife is a little dull," increasingly screamed the amphibious one, delibrately trying to cause a scene, "and rusty, you assume that it is beyond the scope of your return policy.

"You look here," scowled the vagrant, leaning an elbow to the counterspace and pressing one webbed finger onto it at every point he made, "I keep telling you that I bought this knife here only a few scant hours ago when I wanted to stab my television for telling me that thirty is the new twenty. I mean, I just turned twenty! If this rate keeps up, I'll never be twenty! Forty will be the new twenty next decade and my then-age of thirty will be the new clam chowder, but I couldn't eat it because then I do believe I would die. Halfway back to the junkyard where I keep my TV -- for tax purposes," he inanely added with a nudge and a wink, "I suddenly realize that I cannot use a knife on it since televisions don't exist.

"So, here I am again, ready to return my knife. If it is dull or rusty or bloody, it was like that when I bought it, just earlier today.... it was also one of those bitchin', expensive-looking swords over there, too."

The annoyed, unenthused glare of the keep need not be described here. After giving the vagrant's words proper time such that he knew they would cause no long-term brain damage, he cleared his throat and addressed the patron.

"'Sir', you were not in here earlier today. You did not purchase this knife from us. You are not getting a return on this knife here in this shop located in the Fields of No Return not by that virtue, but because this is a pastry store." Not moving from his stooped position over the counter, the brigand circled his gaze about the room's inventory.

"What about that sword I saw over there?"

"That... that is a danish."

"Hmmmm.... I'll take two."

Posted by
Aug 2, 2004

An illusionist was sitting in the same Pastry shop, eating several donuts.

The Mage's loud eating was quickly interupted by a shout of "EVIL!" from near the counter of the pastry shop. A blue adventurer was yelling and pointing at a Danish that had just been placed on the counter in front of him.

The vagrant quickly pulled out (and somehow succesfully wielded) three swords and a loaf of french bread, making quick work of the fiendish pastry. Then, just as quickly as he had destroyed it, he picked it up and ran away into the sunset with it.

"..." Said the Mage. "..."

However, this inteligent thought was interupted by the shrill scream of a woman who's child was in trouble. The Mage looked off nearby (somehow through the walls of the pastry shop) to see that a child had got caught into a tree, and several demon birds were trying to kill him. He also noted that the tree was on fire, but that detail seemed unneccesary.

The Mage, knowing what he had to do, leapt thirty feet in the air, snatching the small child away from the demons and to the safety of the ground. Of course, that was just an illusion, and in reality the Mage had had to get a ladder, in the process getting several splinters, and falling of several times, before the child was safe. As he was about to turn the child over to his mother, the screaming woman ran away... screaming.

"What?" The Mage asked, to no one in particular. "Um, this is your kid... right?"

A random passerbyer pointed out an obvious fact. "This is the Fields of No Return. She can't take her kid back now, genius."

"...What?" The Mage asked, again to no one in particular, since the passerbyer had already passed by. "But... I'm not a babysitter. I'd better think this through verrry carefully."

"I wonder if donuts have been invented yet..."

Meanwhile, not too far away...

"Is this really neccessary?" Asked the mistreated partner of an angry goblin.

"For the last time, yes!" Yelled the Goblin, who was comftorably perched atop several pillows in a small cart, being dragged by the newcomer. "Now hurry up, or I'll pull the whip out again!"

Another Meanwhile, in a place that's even less far away...

A person clothed in blue was looking around in a blacksmith's shop. Finally, the blacksmith took note of his existence, and asked him what he wanted. "Um, yes." Started the vagrant. "I would like to return this weapon which I bought earlier today." He held out a plate containing a chopped up danish.

Posted by
Aug 3, 2004

"So," said the thief, "do you know ANYTHING at all?"

"Barely," LieutenantEagle answered. "Just two techniques, that's all."

" you wouldn't be able to do anything against me, would you?"

"Are you engaging me in a duel?" LieutenantEagle inquired nervously.

"Well, yes...I suppose I am..." the "master" replied, drawing a blade of sorts. "Let's see if you can at least damage me...."

At which LieutenantEagle draws a short blade and strikes Mad Goblin.

"Why, you ingrate...."

** There is still more to this story. Continue to the next page. **

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