Board Writing :: Dream Team :: Page 2
And so, after the intervention and some AA meetings, the team set out to their latest hair-brained scheme. The Beach Barbeque Bash was all ready to lure the thought unsuspecting villains.
"This barely seems right," griped Gabe as he manned the pit.
"Oh, what is it, Mr. Conscience?" began Blopper. "Do you have some issue with eating Chuchu."
"No, not at all," Mr. Conscience countered while testing if a tentacle was done. "I just think it's wrong we didn't chop her into sushi."
"I vant da bow," called the snowman, waiting patiently by the side of the grill for his piece. "Dat's da money meat."
"It's not even meat!" the bone chucker blurted.
"I'm being saved a tentacle, right?" questioned the consumed Starman.
"You don't get a choice," snapped the snack. "You get whatever Kine gets... literally."
"All this pre-chewed stuff is like baby food," whined the hero. "I feel like I'm seven again!" No one bothered to comment. They could, yes, very easily, but it wasn't necessary.
"What was the point of this Beach Bash again?" wondered Gabon as he took a large bite out of the animal ally's face.
"Wasn't it just to have a blast," figured the frosted friend, "and meet chicks?" His obstructed gaze shifted to Nyupun.
"Mm, this tastes so familiar!"
"While those are both good causes," lied the hellish helm, "I feel like we're forgetting something..."
"Hey, look at that," pointed out a bulky Bonkers, "food, fun, and adults posing as teenagers. Let's go crash that bash, Skull... er."
"Nya!" agreed the Skuller in its shrill voice. "We'll show thems for havin' fun without us." He took a few more chews with his gum. "... Even though we don't even know who they are."
"That sounds like thinking," the gorilla grumbled. "You know you ain't suppose to do that. That's my role." His arm swung around, and his hammer clobbered his head. "Ow! I should probably drop that before scratching my head."
"Nya! You's so smart. What a keen idea."
"Damn straight," agreed the ape as he affixed a note to his weapon. "But we do know those guys. They were there when we robbed the bank."
"And they still didn't gives us an invite?" gasped the ghoul. "Or an e-vite? Nya. that's just insulting."
"Especially since you're friends on MySpace," pointed out the primate.
"Yous used to mean something," his cranium companion told a laptop displaying the site. "What happened, man?" Slowly closing the device, a ding changed his mind. "Oo! GnukJo849 posted a news bulletin. 'What's my shoe size?' Well, I've only answered that three times this month."
Another noise then drew the attention of the undead, the sounds of demon slaying fires. The unleashed, overpowered hammer blow knocked the computer clear out into orbit. At least, what pieces remained of it.
"If only," sighed the brute, "I could do that for everyone." His bony buddy shook his head, or body, clear to regain his thoughts.
"Nya. Thanks, boss. That stuff corrupts more thans Dark Matter."
"Actually, I think he..."
"Now I have all the friends I could ever want," chimed the black blob at a desk. A name plate on it read, "
Dark Matter Tom."
Back off of a crazy tangent...
"And why is it a 'beach' barbeque? We're in the middle of the city!" continued to rant a teammate. It doesn't really matter which one.
"Uh-oh!" squealed Mika, who may or may not have made the previous statement as well. "It looks like some mean, ol' grumpies are coming uninvited."
"But they were invited," corrected the cupcake. "That was the whole point of this ruse. Quickly, don't be a sour host. Bring them plates!" Mixed up in what was fake or staged or obvious, the group kindly greeted the contrasting pair.
"Hi... welcome," flatly and falsely addressed the skull wearer.
"Want somethin' to eat?" offered the tangerine with a plate of Chuchu's remains balanced on her head. Despite this, she still made it adorable.
"Or a cold vone to drink?" Yuki popped off his head to reveal an assortment of canned brews stored inside of his form.
"So that's why you couldn't touch your nose," grasped the glazed delight. "You're loaded!"
"You tink dat's someting?" posed the frigid friend. "Not all dis is snow."
"Oh noes, boss," squeaked the Skuller, "we didn't bring a dish for the party. How rude of us." He may have been sarcastic. It was hard to tell with his nasal pitch.
"Oh, but I did, Skull," the big ape revealed as he thrust his arm forward. In his palm, he clutched a glowing cookie. "And, I can assure you, I brought enough for all of you..."
"... Is... is that another Dark Aurora Cookie?" Mikarin wondered.
"Uh... yeah," Bonkers confirmed. "It's all evil... and stuff." After calmly nodding and accepting this fact, the group shrunk back in awe and horror at the sinister snack, everyone except for Kine.
"is that chocolate chip or sandwich?" droned the fish.
"noooooooooooo," unemotionally wailed the swimmer as he joined the rest in a pose of fear.
"... It's shiny," chirped the fruit. "I wanna petted it."
"It's warming up, just be patient," grunted the gorilla.
"So, can I, like, take a leak or foil you while we wait?" asked Gabon. "'Cuz I'm pretty bored right now."
"A-hah! There it goes," informed the giant as a red timer popped out of it. "And now, Magic Cookie, make my mon-self grow!" A jet of steam sprouted out from beneath him as he swelled to an even larger size. Not much larger, however, only about thrice his previous height. "Huh... that was kinda weak."
"By the Stars," questionable cursed the cupcake, "it's exactly like the Crystal Shards."
"A larger version of something?" queried the clubber.
"No," Blopper corrected, "it sucks."
"Hey... I was in that, you know.
"You were in Crystal Shards?" the snack cake was surprised.
"Sure was," Gabon was a little too proud to admit. "See?" He produced proof in the form of a heavily pixelated picture, which he apparently carried with him at all times, just like his bones. Unlike his bones, however, this photograph was a deadly weapon only to be used in desperation. This fact the femur fighter had forgotten.
"Mine eyes!" cried the cupcake. "They burn!"
While Blopper was in throes of pain and insistence that the picture was in fact not Gabon, the slightly more massive monkey sprang his attack. Bonkers charged forward at full speed with a wild scream and lolling tongue escaping its fanged maw. Just before the frozen force for good, the giant jumped up with such strength that its hand-like footprints embedded on the concrete beach below. All eyes traced the soaring simian to an eclipsing zenith far above the city. It pulled back its mallet and plummeted back to the still wide-eyed team below.
The gargantuan gorilla was a frightening sight to behold, but all of its targets could not help but to laugh. While the Dark Aurora Cookie had enlarged the goon of King Dark Marxer, Sr., its clothes and hammer enjoyed no such benefit. Now, a chunky monkey with a hammer that it could barely hold onto and a tiny hat came barreling down upon the group. The fiercer their foe yelled, the harder they laughed. The wooden maul sank down into the surface as every member rolled out of the way. Literally. They had all fallen and, under no control of their own, chuckled and rolled out of harm's way. Although safe from the strike, the resulting shockwave carried the motley crew away on waves of buckling asphalt.
"Whose laughin' now?" the beast taunted, brandishing its small maul between its thumb and finger. Bonkers's rhetorical question was actually answered by another resounding comedic fit.
"Nya!" the Skuller half-laughed, half-interjected, and was entirely annoying. "Looks like they're laughin', boss. And me, half-ways. Nya!" With all the powers held within the Dark Aurora Cookies, none of them could protect the giant where he was most vulnerable -- his feelings.
"Sometimes I just feel so alone," sobbed the simian.
"Ya go me, Bonk."
"That's worse than being alone!" the leader of the two-person trio snapped.
"I'll show ya, boss! Nya! I'll beats 'em!" bragged the floating head. "After all, ya can't beat what ya can't eat, as they say." Of course, "they" in this case meant "no one".
The opposing team looked at one another, quite confused, and not just because of the predicament the inedible skull put them in.
"Nyupun?" Gabe blurted out. "You're still here?"
"Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for Chuchu," the yellow octopus/piece of gum explained. She isn't even quite sure. "You said she'd be at your barbeque." With that, she took another bite of freshly charred friend. "I mean, she's missing some great food."
"I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want any of it," assured the one skull with a body beneath. For reasons that the universe may not quite ever be able to explain, all eyes -- good, evil, and Mikarin -- slowly shifted over to the picnic table containing Chuchu's carcass. The apple shoved into her mouth, frozen in a perpetual scream, had been replaced with one of her own tentacles. Or gum strandly things.
"Oh, right, I forgot I did that," conceded the bone brawler. "I thought it'd be funny." He was right.
"Y-you mean," stammered the now nearly white whatzit, "this was... Chuchu?"
"For the last time, yes!" Gabe attacked. "Didn't you wonder why we had Chuchu's funeral beforehand?"
"That was a party!"
"Yeah, like I said, Chuchu's Funeral," the skeletal striker failed to see a difference. "I thought the banner claiming 'Best Thing Ever' made it abundantly clear that Chuchu kicked the bucket. Or got impaled. Hard to tell which thing we did to her was the true cause of death. Most of it was just for fun." His hallow gaze returned to the horrified squishpod. Her eyes were glazed over and sunken into her rubbery flesh, appearing as dead as her former friend's. Small, chewed bits of her pal rolled from out her gaping mouth.
Nyupun slowly turned back to the main course corpse, which had accrued a swarm of flies and a few generations of maggots in a remarkably short time. A crimson meat cleaver was still stuck in her back. Red splatters covered every nearby surface where the blood would not pool instead. One of the pink blob's eyes began to twitch and stir. A small tear gave way to a larger, drenched rat scurrying its way free of Chuchu's fluids and its own excrement. The mouth plugged with her own severed limb burst open; a vomitous stream of rot and other indistinguishable, putrid creatures poured forth, entirely evacuating what remained within her stretchy skin.
"I want that piece!" Mika called out. No one knew to which piece she referred, and it hardly mattered.
"Ew, that doesn't seem sanitary at all," understated the hellish helm. "I think we all need to be tested... for chlamydia."
"i don't think you can get chlamydia by-"
"I said we should get tested!"
The living girl didn't hear these words as she still shivered uncontrollably, gurgling a strange sound as she tried to retch her cannibalized comrade but could not even move in this respect.
"Nya! Don't worry, boss," chirped the hovering head. "They can't do that me! I'm uneatable."
"Good work there," praised the primate. "Ya found a way to remind the reader of what important facts you last stated while tying it into that ridiculous and far too long of a segment between the heroes. Know what would make this segue perfect?"
The skull thought for a spell, darting its burning, pinpoint pupils about until it realized. "Nya!" it simply called.
"I'm proud of ya. Next time we get milkshakes, I'll let you drink your own."
"But I'll probably spit in it."
"Nya," Skuller despondently moaned.
"Unless you can beat these punk teenagers!" Bonkers commanded.
"Who?" questioned the cupcake. "Oh, right, our ridiculous scheme."
"Nya! I'll shows ya, boss! They won't be able to eats me!" Skuller floated forth and stared down the team with a grimace. The little tangerine dismounted and rolled forward -- perhaps for fun, or perhaps to face the bony face. Just in front of it, she took a little bounce in the air.
"Nya! I'm hit, boss!" reeled the lackey after being struck with the slight breath from the very slight Mikarin.
"Skuller, you idiot! From now on, I'm callin' you Crystal Shards!
"Nya!" whined the defeated bones. "They overcame my strength, not bein' eaten, with my weakness, anything else!" The points of light slowly dimmed in its hollow sockets. "Avenge me," it whispered with its last breath. "Nya..." That... wasn't from its breath.
"You fiendish heroes," roared the grand gorilla. "You killed him! Er, again, I guess. I mean, he was already dead, right? He was a fleshless skull, after all."
"And a nice fitting one at that," complimented Gabe, albeit morbidly, with the fallen foe now replacing his old gear. Strangely enough, he still looked exactly the same. It was a limitation with the wardrobe budget, which shouldn't even be a problem since none of this is even seen.
"Hey! Don't wear my crony!" growled the giant. "That's just sick."
"What's sick?" asked the dead donned, picking out a chunk of Chuchu from his teeth.
"That's it! You go squish now." Through with the non-sequitur antics, the abominable ape lifted a cookie blimped foot in position to make good on his words. The words he just spoke, that is, and not the ones in his journal about making Becky pay for getting the same hair cut as him.
"But, before that, I must reveal something in true villainy fashion," paused their destroyer, "that way, if you for some reason live, you'll be able to use it somehow."
"How considerate," chimed in Eaten Dan.
"Is it that I'm really a bad guy? Wait, no, crap," the cupcake stammered. "I wasn't suppose to say that yet, or ever, since it's not true. I mean it. I'm really not."
"You're not an evil man, are you, Mr. Cake?" whimpered Mikarin.
"Of course not," assured Blopper while feeding photographic evidence of such into a shredder.
"I like to sleep in ketchup sometimes, too. Tee hee!"
"i don't trust him," mumbled the fish with a rare speaking role. "he looks pretty evil to me."
"How am I evil?" demanded the faux-treat. A clash of lightning blazed the sky behind him. "Oh, c'mon! I didn't do that! Stupid weather. That was totally by chance. Honest. I can't control the weather-" His argument was weakened by the Weather Control Remote he currently held out in plain view. "- right now, I can't. Dead batteries. Get me some triple A's, and I can make it snow.
"Seriously, you guys. How could something as sweet as me be evil?" All eyes, as well trained by now, slowly crawled their way to the tangerine, who was sleeping in... ketchup?
"Hey, I'm trying to kill you all," grumbled the goliath. "I'd like some attention."
"There's no time for you," snapped Gabon. "More important things have come up. Let's take this guy out!
"And by 'us', I of course don't mean Mika, 'cuz she's worthless, or Kine, 'cuz he's pathetic, or Jumpy Pete since he's actually more worthless, or Blopper, 'cuz I forgot about him even though he was the reason for all this. And I can't do it since I'm fixing my new hat," the bone battler continued while adjusting the variable strap on the back of his new headgear, "so that leaves..."
"Ya, ya, ya, I got dis vone," mumbled the mound of snow. "Let's bring dem togeder." Pulling out an array of weapons, they were carelessly stuck to one another to form a large, clunky eye sore. "Star Rod. Rainbow Sword. Crystal Gun..."
"It's a wonder we haven't all been killed yet," questioned the questionable traitor during the drawn out process. "He's had plenty of time."
"The weapon's assembly has paralyzed me, apparently," told the titan. "At least, that's how Mika explained it."
"And, and, and you hafta stand on one foot," the fruit giggled, "and say 'poopy'!"
"Love-love Stick," droned on Yuki, tossing more onto the already ridiculous pile of weaponry. "Dino Daggers. Mighty Mace."
"Hey, now those ones aren't even-"
"Some spare change in my pocket. A revolver," the snowman shouted over the question. "And I'll form da head."
"Wait," again rose the voice of Blopper, "weren't you building a cannon-"
"When your powers combine," boomed the construction, "I am a giant head."
"Now I just can't tell what we're mocking." Adding to the confusion, the massive composite fired out beams from its eyes that blew away the huge hammerer.
"Looks like I'm blasting off... again?"
"Nya! That's right." Okay, now I'm lost, and I'm omniscient third person.
"Well, that was... bizarre," Gabe understated. "Say, Yuki, we did you get all those things from?"
"Get vhat?" asked the icy ally. He was busy counting a stack of money that suddenly replaced the ultimate weapon while, nearby, a fellow who looked oddly like King Dark Marxer walked away with a wheelbarrow. A blanket draped over it barely covered the bulky, head-shaped cargo within. While it was a dubious deed, large, quickly painted letters spelled out, "Not the head," on the cloth.
"Well, a blanket never lied to me before.
Aug 3, 2008
Nov 23, 2009
"Well, since that has been taken care of," Gabe explained, "there is only one obvious course of action now -- we all have to become pirates suddenly."
"What?!" exclaimed and protested Exclaiming and Protesting and formerly Jumping Dan. "But that doesn't make any sense!" So, like Gabon explained, it is the obvious course of action for this story.
The sails of the HMS Dream Team were full with the salty spring breeze that swept over the sea. The telltale sign of a skull and uncrossed bone wafted in the wind, denoting its captain. Its crude and obviously hasty dying also denoted that he had not been captain for long; the fact that the entire design covered little more than a square yard or two of the sail told that crew either didn't much care or was lazy. Or both.
It was both.
"Vhy exactly did ve become pirates again?" demanded the snowman, who was not at all comfortable beneath the high sun.
"First off, we're not pirates; our enemies are," the skull-wearing seafarer stated, setting aside his weapon which now doubled as a telescope, used to search for said enemies. "Second, we're doing this 'cause moron readers like stupid things like pirates a lot more than something like super sentai parodies.
"Besides, it isn't like we're adhering to any sort of strict continuity or anything," the cranial commander continued. "Isn't that right, first-mate Mumbies who's been with us since the beginning of the story?"
"All of you shall perish in pestilence and agony!"
"Oh, be quiet," hushed the bony buccaneer. "I'm not talking to you, Mikarin."
"Can I talk like a pirate since everyone else's speech patterns have already been established?" the bandaged ball beseeched in an incredibly un-pirate-like fashion. "... Arr?" There we go.
"Sure, why not?"
"can I have a peg leg?"
"You don't even have legs, Kine," Gabon pointed out despite an innate inability to actually point. "And why would you want fake legs even? We're surrounded by water now. Why aren't you swimming?"
"'cause you'll just leave me behind."
"That's because we hate you!"
As the entire crew nodded in agreement -- including the sunfish himself -- the sky grew angry, or at least cranky with clouds. A large, globular eye formed amidst them, followed shortly by a see-through cylinder.
"Warriors!" Kracko addressed. "Congratulations on stopping a problem... sorta... in the future. But now, an even more daunting, challenging task awaits you!" he boomed. "You must find a way to free a certain omnipotent cloud from a certain glass tube!"
"Couldn't you have just not formed the tube when you appeared here?" posed the recently released Starman.
"Or just escape from the top or bottom," pointed out the pastry. "I mean, there's nothing there now to keep you trapped."
"Warriors!" the cloud again addressed after a heavy splash, now entirely unobscured, "good work on your last mission, completed in record time! However, I now have a new mission for you, which is actually just your first mission, since you never completed it."
"Yeah, there's a lotta things we never finished," admitted the hellish helmsman. "I mean, we're sailing around on half a boat, which in no way reflects the amount of thought put into this story. Not even."
"Arr, we be goin' down faster than an insert improper joke here," lamented the linen-wrapped orb. "Who'da thoughnk a gapin' hole in arr hull would take on watarrr?"
"Not me," defended the dead-donned leader. "I mean, I took all the necessary precautions."
"what, you mean this?" Kine queried as it produced a sign:
Please don't go in our hull.
Hugs and kisses,
"did you really expect this to work?"
"Well, of course it won't work if you took it down. I just hope you didn't bother the other sign I put up." A harsh, albeit still dull stare stayed on the sunfish's face as a second sign was produced.
Hugs and kisses,
"did you really expect this to work?" repeated the dullard, displaying a rare glimmer of emotion in its otherwise depressed tone.
"Aw, c'mon! Be cool, Kine. Now who's gonna get all the half-fish fun?" All eyes slowly turned to the shady oasis Yuki occupied, now sharing the space with barely clad and barely human lasses laughing and pawing the polar pile.
"Comrade Yuki," singsongly seduced one of the sirens, "will you return with us to our undersea lair where we'll take turns slowly loving and murdering you to shreds?"
"Y'see? That coulda been me they loved to shreds," Gabon griped, "and whatever they said after that."
"what have i done?" the fish finally realized the error of his ways; fortunately, it took Kine so long to spit out his few lines -- paired with the rest of the previous ridiculousness -- that the entire HMS Dream Team was already well beneath the waves.
And yet again, this is in no way a representation of the current state of the story. Not even
Just as the ship vanished beneath the waves, it rose anew. Of course, the term "ship" was now far from the truth as it was more like a "fish with stuff roped onto it's back". Kine would have minded the unbearable burden, but he was finally useful to everyone. He did feel, however, that taking all of the old deck was a bit much.
"I don't really think we need those anchors," suggested the soggy sweet.
"Oh, I know," admitted the bone wear buccaneer. "I picked half of those up while we were at the sea floor." He leaned over the side of the ship. "How are you holdin' up there, Kine? ... Hm, he looks conscious. I guess we needed more."
"Ah, well, that explains it," realized the freshly frosting free foe. "That also explains why you pulled up that old fridge."
"No, I thought there might be food still in it." Mikarin was the first to open the door.
"Yay!" she squealed. "It comes with its own waiter." The door was promptly thrown shut.
"Yar, we best return her to the dank depths least our parrrty gets the blame," suggested Mumbies, still working out the kinks in his newly adopted speech.
"Yes... we wouldn't want that... because we didn't do it. Heh heh." Gabon and Blopper exchanged an odd look between each other after speaking in unison and then laughed about it. Murder is hilarious.
"Enemy vessel spotted," burst out Piratin' Dan as he peered through the telescope, which was still just a bone. Of course, he doesn't have eyes, so it's perfectly logical. "Something seems off. I can't quite figure it out." As their adversaries, apparently, sailed into eyesight, they were preceded by the beating of ominous drums. Their long craft bore several shields on the sides and was headed by a draconic carving.
"Hey, what be the meanarr of this?" poorly, pirately put the preserved. "I thought we arrgreed on bein' pirates?"
"Yeah, if we wanted to be lame like thou," dismissed a member of the other crew, donning a winged, Nordic helm. "Vikings art, like, the original pirates. Pirates of the land."
"Is that even real old timie talk?" questioned the cupcake. "It sounds like you're just imitating Thor. And not the real Thor. Fabio Thor from Marvel."
"I doust not knoweth what thou means," contradicted their ships captain with a toss of his golden locks.
"Yeah, the whole wig really doesn't work, Waiyu," addressed Gabon, "when you still are wearing your shinobi shozoku underneath."
"I still knoweth not to what thou speaks," denied the Nordic ninja. In an eerily familiar fashion, his stealth suit had a note reading "Classic Viking Threads" on it. "Now, we battle! ... To the shore!"
"Sharr? What need we be with that lubber's land?" growled Mumbie. "We duel here on the blue."
"But... we can't! C'mon. Just pull up to a bank," whined the fierce warrior. "We're only, oh, a few hundred miles from a coast."
"Well, since you put it that way," accepted Gabon, "I guess we could now! Do it now!"
"Psst," whispered Blopper, "you have the button."
** There is still more to this story.
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