[Hey there, every-every. This is a story originally posted over at Kirby's Rainbow Resort. Gobbs and I, as you may or may not know, are huge Kirby marks to levels you may not ever fully realize or appreciate. I made an IAS over at their forums a while ago, but I figured "Hey, stories that only Bimblesnaff and I add to are only supposed to be at RE~!"
This story thusly appears in its entirity, ported over from its original location. Well, sans some stupidity of not knowing an IAS was different than an RP despite explaining such with my first post. Yeah, as you can tell, not quite the crowd we mix well with.
If MG or I ever add to the story over there, we'll duplicate said post here, even in a splinter should anyone else want to jump in on this action. If someone besides us adds to it over there? More doubtful than someone adding to it here at RE!
This story is devoid of the No Fan Fiction rule at the REWS since the Dream Land series will very shortly have something to do with RE. Yeah, I've been working on a Kirby fan game. What else did you think I was doing with all of my time?
So sit back and get ready to not understand a lot of jokes! They mostly have to do with fanboys and how stupid they are -- same jokes as other RE story, but with Kirby clichés as opposed to regular fantasy ones.]
"So, like I was saying," rambled on the obnoxious co-worker who wasn't working, "YouTube MySpace text message American Idol. That's a good one! Hahaha!" He quit listening to himself long enough to look down to his fellow employee, desperately reaching for the second shelf of the supply cabinet. "Hey Gabe, y'know you sorta look like a li'l egg-shaped alien creature?"
Gabe's beady eyes shifted from side to side. He ceased his eternal quest for paper clips long enough to loosen the tie which divided his yellow and blue hemispheres. "I, um, have a cold."
"Oh, yeah, I think I heard about that one," the man continued to drone. "I made a vlog about it, and then I blogged about the vlog. It was tee-ight! Know what I'm sayin', ham bone?"
"... Not really," the small one slowly and confusedly responded.
It was horrible to have a day job, but it was necessary for him -- not because Gabe needed the secret identity or was aided in any way by his occupation, no. He needed to work to make ends meet; he was only on the reserve unit. The most action he ever saw was when Angela from human resources wore that top. Of course, being a Dream Lander, it should be noted that Gabe's idea of beauty fit less of our earthly mold and more of one for pudding.
Later that evening, Gabe waddled in a hurry to the Butter Building Apartments, struggling to balance the bucket containing his dinner which would probably end up his sponge roommate's. As soon as Gabe opened the door to his apartment, he was attacked by an army of stale, putrified air. Knuckles Joe was molded into a filthy, crumb-covered chair in front of the television, and his mind was lost entirely within it. A stained wife-beater struggled to stretch around his lumpy, torso-stomach-thigh-potato combination of a body.
"Joe!" Gabe scolded the small part of his roommate which was paying attention. "Have you moved all day?"
"I took a whiz," the former fighter gurgled. "Does that count?"
"As long as you left your chair, I guess."
"Oh," Joe added quietly -- loud enough to be heard over the blaring, flickering box, but Gabe still pretended he didn't.
"You really need to get a job," the breadwinner continued to berate, flapping his non-existant limbs to find some fresh air for his face, "or at least some deodorant."
"Are the French the ones who think that body odor is sexy?" the waste of flesh burped.
"I think so."
"Then I'm French."
Gabe sent a harsh stare to his newly French "friend" -- a glare interrupted only by his tie as he slipped it over his narrow head. The intimidation went largely unnoticed, however. "Hey, where'd my chicken g-" began Gabe until he realized. "Joe! How'd you even get my dinner without leaving your seat?"
"I have my ways." Unfortunately, he possessed no such methods for his bodily functions.
"You dough-shaped, fat freak!" Gabe boiled over.
"Don't mock me!" whined the face-stuffing fighter as he flailed greasy fingers before him in an attempt to hide his growing shame. "I wasn't always like this! I useta be beautiful; I useta be loved!"
"No you weren't. You just told that to girls over the internet."
"If stuff over the internet didn't count as 'real', then my life would be far too sad to continue on!"
A shrill beep pierced the air. Gabe was caught off guard; this had never happened to him before. He fumbled with his red, flashing watch to try to find a way to silence the alarm.
"There's trouble!" the eggy creature declared with a little too much joy, "and they need us! You comin' with?"
"Really?" Joe spoke staggering to his laptop along with his typing. "I'm sixteen number two, L-O-L."
"Guess that's my answer," Gabe shrugged off. And so alone, he declared: "It's non-copyright infringing Changin' Time!" With bone club already in hand -- and nearly used on his roommate until the siren sounded -- the Dream Lander held aloft his weapon and summoned a very spiffy special effect. A skull helm appeared over his little yellow top, completing Gabon's arsenal. With a single press of his watch, a Warp Star shot out and grew large enough to carry its lone passenger to the secret mountain base.
An impressive band of warriors had been assembled in the dark chamber, but not Star Warriors. That would just be lame. They were surrounded by walls of complicated machines, but mostly old microwaves since they looked impressive and took up a lot of space. Plus, popcorn is tasty. A mist swirled in the ominous glass cylinder that the warriors surrounded. A large, unblinking eye opened from out the vapors and examined the force it had assembled.
"So, Kracko," began Gabon, "still stuck in that tube?"
"No, I am not stuck," their boss insisted. "I am just looking for that cake still... after five weeks."
"There is no cake, Kracko. Starman just played a trick on you."
"Shut up! No he did not! I'm smarter than that."
"Then get out of that tube!"
"I can, I just... like it in here." The cyclops shifted its gaze from side to side until it remembered why it had summoned them all here. "Warriors!" it thundered. "A horrible evil has come to Earth! I have summoned you to stop it!"
"Who is it? Dark Matter? Marx?" Star Dan jumped to conclusions. "Dark Marxer?"
"Meta Mirror Dark Marxer?" Droppy elaborated. "Senior?"
"No!" Kracko rumbled. "It is none other than King Meta Mirror Dark Marxer², Sr."
"With a name that long, he must be powerful," the Starman surmised, "or have a hard time fitting its name on business cards -- evil business cards. Either way, he's probably angry."
"Indeed he is," affirmed their nimbus leader. "So angry, in fact, that he plans on unleashing the Kirby Kloner! It's ill effects can already been seen on the Rainbow Resort. Behold this artist conception!" it boomed and then navigated to any page on the forums.
"Egads!" the ability-thief was horrified. "Why do they all have spikey hair and scars over their eyes?"
"Yes, it is a horrible sight which must be prevented at any cost. You are the best we have, so it is up to you to stop him!"
"Waitaminute," realized the skull warrior as he looked over the present company, "only us? But, we all suck! None of us are ever picked as helpers! And Mikarin over there isn't even a fighter!"
"I'm riding a riceball!" the tangerine innocently squeaked.
"You sure are," Kracko quickly confirmed. "Okay, you are the best we have available."
"You've got that right!" Bukiset asserted from the corner, polishing his fine edge. "I mean, Droppy just ate Kagamimocchi!"
"If he didn't want to be eaten, then why was he food?" the pudgy, pointy Droppy defended, spewing out pieces of rice in the process.
"Are you certain no one else can take on this mission?" Gabe inquired while moving Mikarin away from hungry jaws. "I'd like to get a mission as much as the next guy, but we just aren't cut out for this." After placing little Mika atop the snowy mass of Yuki and thinking for a moment, the bone-thrower threw out an idea. "What about Kirby?" Never said it was all that inspired of an idea.
"It would not be wise to utilize Kirby for a mission against an army of his own clones; he could easily be mistaken as an enemy," reasoned the rainmaker, which is the first thing to make sense in this entire story, "and apparently, he has a slight problem with slaughtering soulless copies of his own image and his own mortality or some wussy B.S. like that. Besides, Kirby currently has a, um, personal mission right now." The cream-puff had recently discovered that all that stuff he eats has to come out eventually.
"Well, what about Meta Knight?" Droppy inquired and was soon reduced to a smoldering pile of ash by a lightning strike from the flying eye.
"Next one to mention Meta Knight gets it worse," the boss threatened.
"What could be worse than that?" asked Bukiset, who was soon zapped by a precision beam into two halves which cauterized to make his agony and eventual death all that much slower.
"Any other questions?" Kracko again threatened his remaining warriors.
"Where do babies come from?" squealed Mikarin from atop her new, chilly home.
"Uh, storks, which come from other storks that are cut up into tiny bits," the lightning-quick cloud again answered. "Now, in order to stop KMMDM², Sr., you will need to collect the seven magical Aurora Cookies!"
"'Aurora Cookies'?" the skeletal fighter protested. "That's a horrible name for a secret, collectible item! What? Do you have a Mad Libs in there or something?"
"Um, no." Technically, this was true; they were generic. "What the hell is a 'vorb'?" Before any further questions could be asked about Aurora Cookies or storks or vorbs, flashing lights filled the entire base. "The city is under attack! Warriors, behold the Viewing Viewer!" commanded Kracko, directing all present's eyes to a lowly monitor covered in plastic wrap and tin foil. "Now, if it were working, you would be able to see the world's plight, but instead, you'll just have to use your imagination."
"I'm closing my eyes," giggled little Mika, "and thinkin' 'bout bunnies!"
"Fantastic," Kracko quickly dismissed before resuming. "Now, as you can clearly not see, the city is in peril. There are fires and sirens and who knows? Maybe a giant monster is crushing a building!"
"Oh no! Watch out, building!" Jumping Dan yelled to the blank screen.
"Don't be ridiculous," Gabon huffed with an air of disgust. "They can't hear you."
"What's this? Godzilla is coming!" The cloud then did its best to imitate the famous growls. "'Rawr! Rawr!'"
"I like Gigan," revealed the Yuki. "I vant Gigan to be dere."
"What? No! It is just Godzill-"
"I like Gigan, too," admitted Starman next.
"I like ice cream!" squealed Mika, who clearly missed the point.
"Okay, fine, Gigan's there, too, and-"
"Does he have ice cream?"
"Yes he has ice cream, and he gets defeated like he always does, and Godzilla eats his ice cream. Happy now?"
"No," pouted the sad citrus fruit, "'cause you're mean."
Slowly, the base door lifted open. Those who survived the briefing now had a chance to survive the mission itself. Gabon, Starman, Yuki, and Mikarin should have been rushing to save the city from its unknown danger, but right now, they had far more pressing concerns. The group crawled forward, believing themselves quiet enough. However, they underestimated just how alert having nothing better to do could make someone.
"hey guys," abruptly drolled Kine from a pool beside the base. A universal groan was let out when the group realized they had been discovered. "whatcha doin'? goin' on a mission?"
"Uh, yeah Kine," the masked one conceded, rubbing the back of his skull with his club in the awkwardness of the situation, "we were given a miss-"
"is there gonna be any water?"
"Well, yeah, they'll be-"
"are there gonna be any strong currents?" Kine cut-off slowly in his quiet, dopey voice.
"Um, we probably won't be in the water," Gabon unfortunately filled the fish in. "Y'know, we'll probably just walk around it... with our legs."
"oh," huffed the animal friend in a tone more depressed than usual, "i understand." And before it could breath another word, it inhaled the Starman and shut its fishy lips tight.
"C'mon, man! That's not cool!" admonished the bone fighter. "Spit him out right now!"
"mm mm! mm mm!" the sunfish mumbled without ever opening its mouth. "now you haff to take me wiff you!"
"Okay! Fine, you can come," Gabe admitted defeated. "Just spit him out now!"
"mm mm! mm mm!" Kine again refused. "you'll just leaff me behind if i do! i'm keepin' him!"
"What? You can't keep him in there! His powers will be worthless," the skull warrior informed. Starman tried to find a way out of his pet prison, jumping as much as he could inside of the giant. However, all he could manage to do is hurl Kine from the water and turn him over from side to side. "Oh, c'mon! That's sad! He can't even jump anymore! He's just Floppin' Dan now!"
"ha!" mocked the aquatic ally/adversary, "how does it feel to be the worffless one?" When he realized just what he had said, Kine sank further into the depths of depression.
"Ve must get da moving on," told the often forgot-about snowman. His watch, which was of little use to the armless mound, bubbled out of its fluffy mass and called forth starry chariots for the group. "Dere is troubles in da city!"
"You're right, Yuki," Gabon stopped quarreling with Kine long enough to admit, "but... where exactly is the trouble? I don't see Godzilla anywhere?"
Before any sense could be made of the matter, which, granted, would take many years, crackling bolts of energy fell from the sky.
"Oh no, push-over minions sent by King Meta Dark Mind Zero Sr. to slow us down!" Gabe gasped. "Real Mirror Marxer Soul 2.0 must have his Kloner up and running." His face scrunched beneath his mask. "Er, at least at low quality."
"Dose are not his names," corrected the snowman.
"Who cares? We got bigger concerns than stupid names, Yoko," the skull capped fighter dismissed.
"No, we really don't," re-corrected Blopper. "And those aren't Klones. They're just expendable. It's Pathetties."
"Someone else from 64!" announced the last of the poorly rendered polygon perils for the role call.
"They scare me," whined the tangerine, wrapping her leaf over her eyes.
"It's okay, Mika," assured the eaten Dan. "They aren't dangerous... or memorable. They can't even make a second appearance." For once in his life, Kine could esteem himself higher than someone else.
"If dey are here to stop us, den ve must be close to da danger," voiced Yuki. "Dat's good, da?"
"But, we just got this mission!" argued Gabon. "Shouldn't they have just teleported into our base?"
"We don't know where it is," answered the umbrella topped loser in the distance, "or why you just emerged from that oddly star-shaped mountain for some unrelated reason."
"Whoa, have they just been standing there this entire time not attacking us?" realized the bone chucker.
"Looks like it," guessed the nearby cupcake, peeking out from beneath its frosting. "Seems they've mostly been walking in place all this time."
"Vell, dat one ended himself," pointed out their frigid friend.
"Which one is that? I don't know," the fruit questioned.
"And no one does." Clearing his throat, a full-on assault was called up, where "assault" meant "quickly disposed of" and "full-on" translated to "Yuki". The snow mound lobbed off its head, Mikarin included, at the enemy. The dainty delight squealed during her flight, partly from the fright, a bit from the exhilaration, but mostly from her mount being decapitated.
"Yeah, that'll required some psychiatry," Gabe admitted. Alarmed to a new presence, he quickly armed his club. "Oh no! It looks like Chuchu has joined their ranks! I'm sorry I must do this to you."
"What are you talking about?" demanded the bow wearing friend. "I just got here and don't know what's goin- Stop hitting me with you- That really hur- Quit it!" The beating ruthlessly continued until she stopped.
"Oh, why! Why did this have to happen!" cried Gabe. "Now I'll never know what she was. A piece of gum, a wad of suck, it'll forever be a mystery!"
"I'm still alive..." The weak response was righted with a few more heavy blows before the murderer resumed his tears.
"Poor Chuchu. I'll never forget that magical night we had," he sniffed, "when I killed you."
"You mean tonight?" asked the regrown head of Yuki.
"we should get going," huffed the fish, once again the lamest character in the immediate area. Then, Starman returned with a fast food combo meal and jumped back into Kine.
"Dan! What are you doing!" scolded the masked warrior. "You were out!"
"I... I don't know!" admitted the caped comrade. "He let me out to go to Wendy's, and I just blanked. The fry smell just gets to you and- Hey! My food!"
"mmm. i can't belieff that worked twice."
"Twice?" Gabe disapproved.
"I... went out to get coffee earlier," echoed the swallowed superhero.
"That's just pathetic," shamed Blopper who, now, caught curious eyes from the others. "... What?"
"Why are you even here?" inquired the Gabon.
"Yeeeah... about that..." The pastry's eyes darted side to side as an escape was thought up. "Look, I could run away right now, but I really don't run fast. Plus, like, I just ate a whole lot of candy."
"I like candy. Tee hee!" sweetly sung the citrus, perched atop the cupcake.
"Then it's settled," declared the not-so Jumpin' Dan. "You're in."
"Damn our hiring practices!" cursed Gabe. "I really think they need some revising."
"I'm a cherry on top," again giggled Mikarin.
"Then that's settled, too. The rules will remain the same. Forever." Taking out a stamp labeled "Official", its mark was permanently affixed to the Book of Rules.
"Damn!" double cursed Gabe. "Why was the official notary passing by with the official book of rules and the official officializing stamp!"
"Well, don't worry about any of that," poorly transitioned the purple baked good. "While you guys were chitchattin', I was-"
"How much stuff exactly goes on while we're talking?" interrupted the hi-jumper. "I... I can't see... so someone needs to tell me." While contemplating the question, their gazes fell upon Yuki who now rode inside a bright red convertible that sported big bags of money in the back seats. The bills were being blown out by a fan set before the car for that very purpose.
"Nnnot much, no," lied Blopper. "Anyway, I was able to find out just where all the city smash-smash is going down." The cupcake stretched out its non-existent arms smugly. "Yep, I found it. Don't ask how. It's just part of my amazing ways." Gazes again flowed in unison, this time five feet behind the new ally to a coin-operated scenic viewer.
"well, i won't question it," moped Kine, "or why he wanted to borrow fifty cents." A tight pan switched between Blopper's shifting eyes and the twenty-five cent label on the tourist device as dramatic music struck in the background. Slowly, he popped an ill-gotten gumball into his mouth.
"Whoa, Yuki, what happened to all your cash?" the sweet treat gasped between chews, "and why are you wearing a barrel?"
"Poor investments," the snowman sighed. "I trade it all for barrel. Not vise at all."
"Wait, what barrel? What's going on? Someone tell me," demanded the Starman from inside his fishy prison.
"No one tell him! Let's... let's just go," insisted Gabe as the group went a-that-a-way, the direction of the distress.
"Sweet Spongecake Sally!" inexplicably exclaimed the cupcake. "King Meta Mirror Dark Marxer², Sr., has his goons robbing the bank!" Ah yes, the ubiquitous the bank -- if there is money to be ill-gotten, you better believe it'll come from the one and only source.
"Vait, vhy vould he need to rob da bank?" wondered Yuki aloud while showing off his accent. "And vhy vould he rob da one bank vithin da city ve alvays protect?"
"Well, obviously he needs monkey to complete his evil scheme," Gabon explained flaunting his lack of an accent, "and he needs money to buy that monkey." His beady eyes shifted from side to side beneath his mask, hoping that he covered up his spoken typo without anyone noticing. "I mean, it's not like unlimited dark energies are enough; that stuff's a dime a dozen around here! Even Mika got that Dark Star Rod from that vending machine over there."
"It makes me wanna cut myself!" the tangerine still managed to make adorable.
Through the glass walls of the money and terror filled house, the team could see the dark clad villains ready to escape with their requisite dollar sign sacks full. They burst through the doors only to be ambushed by the careful strategy only the B-squad was capable of.
"Yeah, come a li'l closer!" goaded Gabon, who was standing in one place throwing bones a short distance. "Don'tcha wanna come closer? You'll get hit by my bones then! Just try to get past that!" But the mantled minions only stood there, staring at one another with great confusion, thereby defeating the skeletal one's perfect offense. "I can't believe this isn't working! I could swear that after failing a thousand times that it'd finally succeed today."
"Vhat if I attack vith a highly repetitive pattern?" suggested the snowman. "Dey'll never be able to figure it out as long as I repeat it every ten seconds!"
"Cotton is fluffy," chirped Yuki's passenger, "but should only be eated when candy!"
"I already told you, Mika," the skull soldier snapped, "we'll try your plan next!"
"I'll take care of this!" Blopper boasted as he proceeded to douse the still standing and confused foes with frosting.
"What was that supposed to accomplish?" questioned the femur fighter. "I mean, frosting? Really? That seems like more of a good thing than any sort of attack."
"Oh yeah? Well, we'll see who's laughing in twenty years when they all have medical complications to which this contributed slightly."
"I'll be," reiterated Gabon, "'cause you're stupid."
"Enough of this!" boomed the mysterious voice of the even more mysteriously robed robber. "We have stood by idly for just long enough! Although we may never know how you managed to stop our unstoppable Pathetties, you obviously shall not be able to best us slightly cooler and thus even more slightly powerful characters!" And with that, the first cast of his cloak to reveal-
"What-what? No! I'm Plasma Wisp," the green glowing glob of energy stated in a voice entirely different than when it was covered, which was still less confusing than how it managed to be clothed without burning its black and therefore evil threads.
"Oh, right, because Bio-Spark is of course the name of a ninja instead of a living energy entity," conceded the bone thrower. "Of course. It isn't like 'bio' means 'life' and 'spark' means 'stupid naming convention' or anything."
"I'm still a tangerine," she just wanted everyone to know. But mostly Jumping Dan, who had previously requested regular updates on whether or not little Mika was in fact still a tangerine.
"Hey guys!" the stomach-encased Starman had to scream to be heard. "If she's still a tangerine, that means we can execute Attack Formation Delta!"
"no, there isn't any cotton candy around," the sunfish unfortunately informed. "there's neffer any cotton candy around."
"Fools!" the hyper helper to evil interrupted. "Ya dunno what we are capable of with King Dark Marxer's power!" The Wispy of the non-wood type raised up one glove to reveal a single black sphere to the entire team. "This is a piece of the Dark Aurora Cookies!" he for some reason took time to explain. "As long as we servants possess it, we shall be invincible! Its unlimited evil powers give me the ability to-" and then a bone knocked it out of his hand.
"I'm not a tangerine anymore."
"Oh no!" worried the star-shaped warrior without a view of the outside world. "Guys, what happened to her?" It wasn't until he heard Mika's uncontrollable laughter that he realized. "Waitaminute, she's still a tangerine, isn't she?" Starman was relieved. "Phew, I guess that means we only have this slew of bad guys to deal with then, and they shouldn't be that hard."
"Dey vill be now," the cold comrade explained. "Da Visp just picked up dat evil cookie again. Maybe ve should have done someting vhen he vas disarmed."
"Yuki, what happened to your barrel?" Blopper wondered, getting the team even more off track.
"I burned it to stay varm."
Before the curious cupcake could find out why exactly his frosty friend would need to stay warm, the Plasma Wisp hoisted his dark dessert aloft (the best place to hoist things), forgoing announcing his intentions and getting right to it.
Well, maybe just a little theatrics.
"With this Dark Aurora Cookie, I summon the power to...
"Egad! The cookie," interrupted the gooey treat, "turned into another cookie!"
"No, you frosted fool," the Wisp snapped, "it's the same cookie it was before. It's just glowing brighter is all."
"Oh, I see," Blopper attempted to comprehend. "So then, why isn't it activating? More importantly, why is this distraction succeeding?"
"Well, you see, it needs to warm up first," explained not Bio-Spark. "It's not fresh baked, after all. It's pretty cold and stale. I mean, I know I wouldn't eat it. Now, when these puppies pop out of an oven, mmm, that's good! But, moving on, I'm falling for your- … wait, what?" Having realized the second statement all too late, the mastermind scheme was already underway.
"Excuse me, sir," posed Yuki, although not appearing as himself. He donned a deceitful disguise consisting of thick framed glasses and a sign hanging around his neck that read "Not Yuki" across the front. On the back was the children's menu from whatever nearby restaurant the placemat was taken. "Do you have a vatch vith da time?"
"Sorry, my watch only tells the temperature," apologized the energy being, "in Celsius." While he moped over his inferior and altogether confusing time piece, Kine leapt out a window from a neighboring building and tossed Mikarin. The fruit wrapped her leaf around a well placed cable and slid down. The stunt would have played as impressive and awe striking had it not been for her cry.
"Weee!" Gingerly landing next to their foe, she tapped him on the shoulder. "'Scuse me, mister, but can I have a cookie?" she asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.
"Why, aren't you just the cutest little thing? Sure, here you go. … Aw, wait. Damn it!"
"And why didn't we just grab it, again?" wondered Gabe as the team ran away.
"You obviously have no sense for theatrics," the cupcake huffed, trying to match pace.
"No, I have a common sense," the skull wearer scolded, "that told me having a big, fat fish jump down a few stories for no reason is a bad idea." Kine did protest, but no one noticed.
"But he had Starman in him, right?" reasoned Blopper. "I thought he could fly."
"What do you mean? Jumping Dan doesn't fly," explained the exoskeletoned. "That's why he's not Flying Dan."
"Really? I thought the little dudes in the capes gave the ability to fly."
"No, that's Caped Koopas," educated Gabon, "from Mario World. Entirely different."
"So that's why he didn't pop out a feather when I stomped on him.
"When did you stomp on Dan, Blopps?" the bone-wielding warrior wondered. "You've only been around since Kine ate him."
"I came out to take a leak!" screamed the Starman.
"Vouldn't Kine let you go if you made vater inside of him?" Yuki asked with his accent from Accentland.
"You'd think so," Dan answered, "but he didn't, and then I was just sloshin' around in him for a while. It was disgusting!"
"Any more disgusting than being stuck inside a giant fish's stomach?"
"Eh, it doesn't smell as bad as you'd think, but it tastes just as bad."
"then why do you keeff on takin' bites outta me?" the full-mouthed fish posed to his internal passenger.
"You aren't the boss of me," explained the star-shaped one with another big chomp and another wince from the aquatic ally.
"Weren't we s'posedda stop that bank robbery?"
"Banks aren't the boss of me."
"Don't you normally work at a bank, Dan?"
"Yes," admitted the aerial specialist, "but the bank is just a building. My boss is some bald dude inside of it, and his boss is the strange network of assimilating nano-bots that endowed that building with intelligence and a sassy attitude. Get your facts straight, man."
"Hey, what was that one Bank told the other day?" the cheerful baked good demanded more than he asked, despite the fact that it has already been established that Blopper has not known Dan for that long.
"How come we still aren't stoppin' the bad guys?" again asked the apricot.
"I thought you were a tangerine?"
"Whoopsie!" the rightful fruit chirped, again forgetting the task at hand.
"I tink da girl is right," Yuki brought back everyone's attention. "All ve did vas get da cookie, and Mika already ate it."
"Yeah, we didn't have a lotta time to smooth out the details of the plan," conceded the mastermind cupcake.
"My tummy feels like evil incarnate."
"Awww," Gabon fawned. "Where does a li'l tike like her learn a word like 'incarnate'?" The small citrus blushed and giggled for a short time more until only one thread of the original story line remained, which was Gabe's cue. "Besides, we stole their magical thingy. What's the worse that could happen?"
"So, uh," the skull fighter stammered quietly into a phone close to his head, beneath his mask, "how many bodies?... That many? I didn't think the bank could hold that-- They imported civilians from nearby, you say?... Well, how could we have possibly known they would charter a bus? Who even gets on a bus flashing a destination of 'Your Doom', anyway?... No, you're right. I shouldn't blame the victims, and I apologize.
"So, how many survivors were there?... Really? Out of all those people? Did you check under the corpse piles?... What do you mean the pieces were too small? If that were true, how were you able to identify the number of causu-- That much blood, you say? And what else?... Wow, I could have gone my entire life without knowing the medical term for liquefied flesh." One more moment of awkward silence was shared by the group before the call ended, but not before "Thank you?"
"You thanked her?" the furious, frosted dessert yelled out.
"I didn't know what else to say!" the skeletal one retorted as he returned the receiver. "I've never been responsible for anything which could be labeled an 'atrocity' before." The same was true for most of the group.
"Fire's pretty," Mikarin admired a match before her arctic ride extinguished it for the city's safety.
"I suppose ve should return to base and finish our briefing as to minimize our future atrocities," suggested the snowman.
"Screw that noise!" Gabon attacked. "Our base is all the way up there!" Shortly, he realized that no one could see him pointing, and he instead held up his club to the secret base only a few hundred feet and a ski lift away.
"Couldn't you just use da Varp Star?"
"But my watch is all the way over there," the skully agent explained, pointing intelligently to his special watch about two feet away. "That thing keeps falling off. Maybe I should look into gettin' me some arms."
"Vell den, vhat do you suggest ve do?"
"Nothing!" Gabe instructed. "We'll let the trouble come to us. We could either try having fun in the park, or maybe we could organize a dance or other socially responsible group-activity! The baddies will definitely try to crash that with an appropriately themed monster."
"Have you been watching Power Ranger reruns too much," the goopy Blopper asked, "or have you been drinking too much?"
"A bit of both," Gabon surprised no one, "but the key is, both at the same time!
And so, after the intervention and some AA meetings, the team set out to their latest hair-brained scheme. The Beach Barbeque Bash was all ready to lure the thought unsuspecting villains.
"This barely seems right," griped Gabe as he manned the pit.
"Oh, what is it, Mr. Conscience?" began Blopper. "Do you have some issue with eating Chuchu."
"No, not at all," Mr. Conscience countered while testing if a tentacle was done. "I just think it's wrong we didn't chop her into sushi."
"I vant da bow," called the snowman, waiting patiently by the side of the grill for his piece. "Dat's da money meat."
"It's not even meat!" the bone chucker blurted.
"I'm being saved a tentacle, right?" questioned the consumed Starman.
"You don't get a choice," snapped the snack. "You get whatever Kine gets... literally."
"All this pre-chewed stuff is like baby food," whined the hero. "I feel like I'm seven again!" No one bothered to comment. They could, yes, very easily, but it wasn't necessary.
"What was the point of this Beach Bash again?" wondered Gabon as he took a large bite out of the animal ally's face.
"Wasn't it just to have a blast," figured the frosted friend, "and meet chicks?" His obstructed gaze shifted to Nyupun.
"Mm, this tastes so familiar!"
"While those are both good causes," lied the hellish helm, "I feel like we're forgetting something..."
"Hey, look at that," pointed out a bulky Bonkers, "food, fun, and adults posing as teenagers. Let's go crash that bash, Skull... er."
"Nya!" agreed the Skuller in its shrill voice. "We'll show thems for havin' fun without us." He took a few more chews with his gum. "... Even though we don't even know who they are."
"That sounds like thinking," the gorilla grumbled. "You know you ain't suppose to do that. That's my role." His arm swung around, and his hammer clobbered his head. "Ow! I should probably drop that before scratching my head."
"Nya! You's so smart. What a keen idea."
"Damn straight," agreed the ape as he affixed a note to his weapon. "But we do know those guys. They were there when we robbed the bank."
"And they still didn't gives us an invite?" gasped the ghoul. "Or an e-vite? Nya. that's just insulting."
"Especially since you're friends on MySpace," pointed out the primate.
"Yous used to mean something," his cranium companion told a laptop displaying the site. "What happened, man?" Slowly closing the device, a ding changed his mind. "Oo! GnukJo849 posted a news bulletin. 'What's my shoe size?' Well, I've only answered that three times this month."
Another noise then drew the attention of the undead, the sounds of demon slaying fires. The unleashed, overpowered hammer blow knocked the computer clear out into orbit. At least, what pieces remained of it.
"If only," sighed the brute, "I could do that for everyone." His bony buddy shook his head, or body, clear to regain his thoughts.
"Nya. Thanks, boss. That stuff corrupts more thans Dark Matter."
"Actually, I think he..."
"Now I have all the friends I could ever want," chimed the black blob at a desk. A name plate on it read, "
Dark Matter Tom."
Back off of a crazy tangent...
"And why is it a 'beach' barbeque? We're in the middle of the city!" continued to rant a teammate. It doesn't really matter which one.
"Uh-oh!" squealed Mika, who may or may not have made the previous statement as well. "It looks like some mean, ol' grumpies are coming uninvited."
"But they were invited," corrected the cupcake. "That was the whole point of this ruse. Quickly, don't be a sour host. Bring them plates!" Mixed up in what was fake or staged or obvious, the group kindly greeted the contrasting pair.
"Hi... welcome," flatly and falsely addressed the skull wearer.
"Want somethin' to eat?" offered the tangerine with a plate of Chuchu's remains balanced on her head. Despite this, she still made it adorable.
"Or a cold vone to drink?" Yuki popped off his head to reveal an assortment of canned brews stored inside of his form.
"So that's why you couldn't touch your nose," grasped the glazed delight. "You're loaded!"
"You tink dat's someting?" posed the frigid friend. "Not all dis is snow."
"Oh noes, boss," squeaked the Skuller, "we didn't bring a dish for the party. How rude of us." He may have been sarcastic. It was hard to tell with his nasal pitch.
"Oh, but I did, Skull," the big ape revealed as he thrust his arm forward. In his palm, he clutched a glowing cookie. "And, I can assure you, I brought enough for all of you..."
"... Is... is that another Dark Aurora Cookie?" Mikarin wondered.
"Uh... yeah," Bonkers confirmed. "It's all evil... and stuff." After calmly nodding and accepting this fact, the group shrunk back in awe and horror at the sinister snack, everyone except for Kine.
"is that chocolate chip or sandwich?" droned the fish.
"noooooooooooo," unemotionally wailed the swimmer as he joined the rest in a pose of fear.
"... It's shiny," chirped the fruit. "I wanna petted it."
"It's warming up, just be patient," grunted the gorilla.
"So, can I, like, take a leak or foil you while we wait?" asked Gabon. "'Cuz I'm pretty bored right now."
"A-hah! There it goes," informed the giant as a red timer popped out of it. "And now, Magic Cookie, make my mon-self grow!" A jet of steam sprouted out from beneath him as he swelled to an even larger size. Not much larger, however, only about thrice his previous height. "Huh... that was kinda weak."
"By the Stars," questionable cursed the cupcake, "it's exactly like the Crystal Shards."
"A larger version of something?" queried the clubber.
"No," Blopper corrected, "it sucks."
"Hey... I was in that, you know.
"You were in Crystal Shards?" the snack cake was surprised.
"Sure was," Gabon was a little too proud to admit. "See?" He produced proof in the form of a heavily pixelated picture, which he apparently carried with him at all times, just like his bones. Unlike his bones, however, this photograph was a deadly weapon only to be used in desperation. This fact the femur fighter had forgotten.
"Mine eyes!" cried the cupcake. "They burn!"
While Blopper was in throes of pain and insistence that the picture was in fact not Gabon, the slightly more massive monkey sprang his attack. Bonkers charged forward at full speed with a wild scream and lolling tongue escaping its fanged maw. Just before the frozen force for good, the giant jumped up with such strength that its hand-like footprints embedded on the concrete beach below. All eyes traced the soaring simian to an eclipsing zenith far above the city. It pulled back its mallet and plummeted back to the still wide-eyed team below.
The gargantuan gorilla was a frightening sight to behold, but all of its targets could not help but to laugh. While the Dark Aurora Cookie had enlarged the goon of King Dark Marxer, Sr., its clothes and hammer enjoyed no such benefit. Now, a chunky monkey with a hammer that it could barely hold onto and a tiny hat came barreling down upon the group. The fiercer their foe yelled, the harder they laughed. The wooden maul sank down into the surface as every member rolled out of the way. Literally. They had all fallen and, under no control of their own, chuckled and rolled out of harm's way. Although safe from the strike, the resulting shockwave carried the motley crew away on waves of buckling asphalt.
"Whose laughin' now?" the beast taunted, brandishing its small maul between its thumb and finger. Bonkers's rhetorical question was actually answered by another resounding comedic fit.
"Nya!" the Skuller half-laughed, half-interjected, and was entirely annoying. "Looks like they're laughin', boss. And me, half-ways. Nya!" With all the powers held within the Dark Aurora Cookies, none of them could protect the giant where he was most vulnerable -- his feelings.
"Sometimes I just feel so alone," sobbed the simian.
"Ya go me, Bonk."
"That's worse than being alone!" the leader of the two-person trio snapped.
"I'll show ya, boss! Nya! I'll beats 'em!" bragged the floating head. "After all, ya can't beat what ya can't eat, as they say." Of course, "they" in this case meant "no one".
The opposing team looked at one another, quite confused, and not just because of the predicament the inedible skull put them in.
"Nyupun?" Gabe blurted out. "You're still here?"
"Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for Chuchu," the yellow octopus/piece of gum explained. She isn't even quite sure. "You said she'd be at your barbeque." With that, she took another bite of freshly charred friend. "I mean, she's missing some great food."
"I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want any of it," assured the one skull with a body beneath. For reasons that the universe may not quite ever be able to explain, all eyes -- good, evil, and Mikarin -- slowly shifted over to the picnic table containing Chuchu's carcass. The apple shoved into her mouth, frozen in a perpetual scream, had been replaced with one of her own tentacles. Or gum strandly things.
"Oh, right, I forgot I did that," conceded the bone brawler. "I thought it'd be funny." He was right.
"Y-you mean," stammered the now nearly white whatzit, "this was... Chuchu?"
"For the last time, yes!" Gabe attacked. "Didn't you wonder why we had Chuchu's funeral beforehand?"
"That was a party!"
"Yeah, like I said, Chuchu's Funeral," the skeletal striker failed to see a difference. "I thought the banner claiming 'Best Thing Ever' made it abundantly clear that Chuchu kicked the bucket. Or got impaled. Hard to tell which thing we did to her was the true cause of death. Most of it was just for fun." His hallow gaze returned to the horrified squishpod. Her eyes were glazed over and sunken into her rubbery flesh, appearing as dead as her former friend's. Small, chewed bits of her pal rolled from out her gaping mouth.
Nyupun slowly turned back to the main course corpse, which had accrued a swarm of flies and a few generations of maggots in a remarkably short time. A crimson meat cleaver was still stuck in her back. Red splatters covered every nearby surface where the blood would not pool instead. One of the pink blob's eyes began to twitch and stir. A small tear gave way to a larger, drenched rat scurrying its way free of Chuchu's fluids and its own excrement. The mouth plugged with her own severed limb burst open; a vomitous stream of rot and other indistinguishable, putrid creatures poured forth, entirely evacuating what remained within her stretchy skin.
"I want that piece!" Mika called out. No one knew to which piece she referred, and it hardly mattered.
"Ew, that doesn't seem sanitary at all," understated the hellish helm. "I think we all need to be tested... for chlamydia."
"i don't think you can get chlamydia by-"
"I said we should get tested!"
The living girl didn't hear these words as she still shivered uncontrollably, gurgling a strange sound as she tried to retch her cannibalized comrade but could not even move in this respect.
"Nya! Don't worry, boss," chirped the hovering head. "They can't do that me! I'm uneatable."
"Good work there," praised the primate. "Ya found a way to remind the reader of what important facts you last stated while tying it into that ridiculous and far too long of a segment between the heroes. Know what would make this segue perfect?"
The skull thought for a spell, darting its burning, pinpoint pupils about until it realized. "Nya!" it simply called.
"I'm proud of ya. Next time we get milkshakes, I'll let you drink your own."
"But I'll probably spit in it."
"Nya," Skuller despondently moaned.
"Unless you can beat these punk teenagers!" Bonkers commanded.
"Who?" questioned the cupcake. "Oh, right, our ridiculous scheme."
"Nya! I'll shows ya, boss! They won't be able to eats me!" Skuller floated forth and stared down the team with a grimace. The little tangerine dismounted and rolled forward -- perhaps for fun, or perhaps to face the bony face. Just in front of it, she took a little bounce in the air.
"Nya! I'm hit, boss!" reeled the lackey after being struck with the slight breath from the very slight Mikarin.
"Skuller, you idiot! From now on, I'm callin' you Crystal Shards!
"Nya!" whined the defeated bones. "They overcame my strength, not bein' eaten, with my weakness, anything else!" The points of light slowly dimmed in its hollow sockets. "Avenge me," it whispered with its last breath. "Nya..." That... wasn't from its breath.
"You fiendish heroes," roared the grand gorilla. "You killed him! Er, again, I guess. I mean, he was already dead, right? He was a fleshless skull, after all."
"And a nice fitting one at that," complimented Gabe, albeit morbidly, with the fallen foe now replacing his old gear. Strangely enough, he still looked exactly the same. It was a limitation with the wardrobe budget, which shouldn't even be a problem since none of this is even seen.
"Hey! Don't wear my crony!" growled the giant. "That's just sick."
"What's sick?" asked the dead donned, picking out a chunk of Chuchu from his teeth.
"That's it! You go squish now." Through with the non-sequitur antics, the abominable ape lifted a cookie blimped foot in position to make good on his words. The words he just spoke, that is, and not the ones in his journal about making Becky pay for getting the same hair cut as him.
"But, before that, I must reveal something in true villainy fashion," paused their destroyer, "that way, if you for some reason live, you'll be able to use it somehow."
"How considerate," chimed in Eaten Dan.
"Is it that I'm really a bad guy? Wait, no, crap," the cupcake stammered. "I wasn't suppose to say that yet, or ever, since it's not true. I mean it. I'm really not."
"You're not an evil man, are you, Mr. Cake?" whimpered Mikarin.
"Of course not," assured Blopper while feeding photographic evidence of such into a shredder.
"I like to sleep in ketchup sometimes, too. Tee hee!"
"i don't trust him," mumbled the fish with a rare speaking role. "he looks pretty evil to me."
"How am I evil?" demanded the faux-treat. A clash of lightning blazed the sky behind him. "Oh, c'mon! I didn't do that! Stupid weather. That was totally by chance. Honest. I can't control the weather-" His argument was weakened by the Weather Control Remote he currently held out in plain view. "- right now, I can't. Dead batteries. Get me some triple A's, and I can make it snow.
"Seriously, you guys. How could something as sweet as me be evil?" All eyes, as well trained by now, slowly crawled their way to the tangerine, who was sleeping in... ketchup?
"Hey, I'm trying to kill you all," grumbled the goliath. "I'd like some attention."
"There's no time for you," snapped Gabon. "More important things have come up. Let's take this guy out!
"And by 'us', I of course don't mean Mika, 'cuz she's worthless, or Kine, 'cuz he's pathetic, or Jumpy Pete since he's actually more worthless, or Blopper, 'cuz I forgot about him even though he was the reason for all this. And I can't do it since I'm fixing my new hat," the bone battler continued while adjusting the variable strap on the back of his new headgear, "so that leaves..."
"Ya, ya, ya, I got dis vone," mumbled the mound of snow. "Let's bring dem togeder." Pulling out an array of weapons, they were carelessly stuck to one another to form a large, clunky eye sore. "Star Rod. Rainbow Sword. Crystal Gun..."
"It's a wonder we haven't all been killed yet," questioned the questionable traitor during the drawn out process. "He's had plenty of time."
"The weapon's assembly has paralyzed me, apparently," told the titan. "At least, that's how Mika explained it."
"And, and, and you hafta stand on one foot," the fruit giggled, "and say 'poopy'!"
"Love-love Stick," droned on Yuki, tossing more onto the already ridiculous pile of weaponry. "Dino Daggers. Mighty Mace."
"Hey, now those ones aren't even-"
"Some spare change in my pocket. A revolver," the snowman shouted over the question. "And I'll form da head."
"Wait," again rose the voice of Blopper, "weren't you building a cannon-"
"When your powers combine," boomed the construction, "I am a giant head."
"Now I just can't tell what we're mocking." Adding to the confusion, the massive composite fired out beams from its eyes that blew away the huge hammerer.
"Looks like I'm blasting off... again?"
"Nya! That's right." Okay, now I'm lost, and I'm omniscient third person.
"Well, that was... bizarre," Gabe understated. "Say, Yuki, we did you get all those things from?"
"Get vhat?" asked the icy ally. He was busy counting a stack of money that suddenly replaced the ultimate weapon while, nearby, a fellow who looked oddly like King Dark Marxer walked away with a wheelbarrow. A blanket draped over it barely covered the bulky, head-shaped cargo within. While it was a dubious deed, large, quickly painted letters spelled out, "Not the head," on the cloth.
"Well, a blanket never lied to me before.
"Well, since that has been taken care of," Gabe explained, "there is only one obvious course of action now -- we all have to become pirates suddenly."
"What?!" exclaimed and protested Exclaiming and Protesting and formerly Jumping Dan. "But that doesn't make any sense!" So, like Gabon explained, it is the obvious course of action for this story.
The sails of the HMS Dream Team were full with the salty spring breeze that swept over the sea. The telltale sign of a skull and uncrossed bone wafted in the wind, denoting its captain. Its crude and obviously hasty dying also denoted that he had not been captain for long; the fact that the entire design covered little more than a square yard or two of the sail told that crew either didn't much care or was lazy. Or both.
It was both.
"Vhy exactly did ve become pirates again?" demanded the snowman, who was not at all comfortable beneath the high sun.
"First off, we're not pirates; our enemies are," the skull-wearing seafarer stated, setting aside his weapon which now doubled as a telescope, used to search for said enemies. "Second, we're doing this 'cause moron readers like stupid things like pirates a lot more than something like super sentai parodies.
"Besides, it isn't like we're adhering to any sort of strict continuity or anything," the cranial commander continued. "Isn't that right, first-mate Mumbies who's been with us since the beginning of the story?"
"All of you shall perish in pestilence and agony!"
"Oh, be quiet," hushed the bony buccaneer. "I'm not talking to you, Mikarin."
"Can I talk like a pirate since everyone else's speech patterns have already been established?" the bandaged ball beseeched in an incredibly un-pirate-like fashion. "... Arr?" There we go.
"Sure, why not?"
"can I have a peg leg?"
"You don't even have legs, Kine," Gabon pointed out despite an innate inability to actually point. "And why would you want fake legs even? We're surrounded by water now. Why aren't you swimming?"
"'cause you'll just leave me behind."
"That's because we hate you!"
As the entire crew nodded in agreement -- including the sunfish himself -- the sky grew angry, or at least cranky with clouds. A large, globular eye formed amidst them, followed shortly by a see-through cylinder.
"Warriors!" Kracko addressed. "Congratulations on stopping a problem... sorta... in the future. But now, an even more daunting, challenging task awaits you!" he boomed. "You must find a way to free a certain omnipotent cloud from a certain glass tube!"
"Couldn't you have just not formed the tube when you appeared here?" posed the recently released Starman.
"Or just escape from the top or bottom," pointed out the pastry. "I mean, there's nothing there now to keep you trapped."
"Warriors!" the cloud again addressed after a heavy splash, now entirely unobscured, "good work on your last mission, completed in record time! However, I now have a new mission for you, which is actually just your first mission, since you never completed it."
"Yeah, there's a lotta things we never finished," admitted the hellish helmsman. "I mean, we're sailing around on half a boat, which in no way reflects the amount of thought put into this story. Not even."
"Arr, we be goin' down faster than an insert improper joke here," lamented the linen-wrapped orb. "Who'da thoughnk a gapin' hole in arr hull would take on watarrr?"
"Not me," defended the dead-donned leader. "I mean, I took all the necessary precautions."
"what, you mean this?" Kine queried as it produced a sign:
Please don't go in our hull.
Hugs and kisses,
"did you really expect this to work?"
"Well, of course it won't work if you took it down. I just hope you didn't bother the other sign I put up." A harsh, albeit still dull stare stayed on the sunfish's face as a second sign was produced.
Hugs and kisses,
"did you really expect this to work?" repeated the dullard, displaying a rare glimmer of emotion in its otherwise depressed tone.
"Aw, c'mon! Be cool, Kine. Now who's gonna get all the half-fish fun?" All eyes slowly turned to the shady oasis Yuki occupied, now sharing the space with barely clad and barely human lasses laughing and pawing the polar pile.
"Comrade Yuki," singsongly seduced one of the sirens, "will you return with us to our undersea lair where we'll take turns slowly loving and murdering you to shreds?"
"Y'see? That coulda been me they loved to shreds," Gabon griped, "and whatever they said after that."
"what have i done?" the fish finally realized the error of his ways; fortunately, it took Kine so long to spit out his few lines -- paired with the rest of the previous ridiculousness -- that the entire HMS Dream Team was already well beneath the waves.
And yet again, this is in no way a representation of the current state of the story. Not even
Just as the ship vanished beneath the waves, it rose anew. Of course, the term "ship" was now far from the truth as it was more like a "fish with stuff roped onto it's back". Kine would have minded the unbearable burden, but he was finally useful to everyone. He did feel, however, that taking all of the old deck was a bit much.
"I don't really think we need those anchors," suggested the soggy sweet.
"Oh, I know," admitted the bone wear buccaneer. "I picked half of those up while we were at the sea floor." He leaned over the side of the ship. "How are you holdin' up there, Kine? ... Hm, he looks conscious. I guess we needed more."
"Ah, well, that explains it," realized the freshly frosting free foe. "That also explains why you pulled up that old fridge."
"No, I thought there might be food still in it." Mikarin was the first to open the door.
"Yay!" she squealed. "It comes with its own waiter." The door was promptly thrown shut.
"Yar, we best return her to the dank depths least our parrrty gets the blame," suggested Mumbies, still working out the kinks in his newly adopted speech.
"Yes... we wouldn't want that... because we didn't do it. Heh heh." Gabon and Blopper exchanged an odd look between each other after speaking in unison and then laughed about it. Murder is hilarious.
"Enemy vessel spotted," burst out Piratin' Dan as he peered through the telescope, which was still just a bone. Of course, he doesn't have eyes, so it's perfectly logical. "Something seems off. I can't quite figure it out." As their adversaries, apparently, sailed into eyesight, they were preceded by the beating of ominous drums. Their long craft bore several shields on the sides and was headed by a draconic carving.
"Hey, what be the meanarr of this?" poorly, pirately put the preserved. "I thought we arrgreed on bein' pirates?"
"Yeah, if we wanted to be lame like thou," dismissed a member of the other crew, donning a winged, Nordic helm. "Vikings art, like, the original pirates. Pirates of the land."
"Is that even real old timie talk?" questioned the cupcake. "It sounds like you're just imitating Thor. And not the real Thor. Fabio Thor from Marvel."
"I doust not knoweth what thou means," contradicted their ships captain with a toss of his golden locks.
"Yeah, the whole wig really doesn't work, Waiyu," addressed Gabon, "when you still are wearing your shinobi shozoku underneath."
"I still knoweth not to what thou speaks," denied the Nordic ninja. In an eerily familiar fashion, his stealth suit had a note reading "Classic Viking Threads" on it. "Now, we battle! ... To the shore!"
"Sharr? What need we be with that lubber's land?" growled Mumbie. "We duel here on the blue."
"But... we can't! C'mon. Just pull up to a bank," whined the fierce warrior. "We're only, oh, a few hundred miles from a coast."
"Well, since you put it that way," accepted Gabon, "I guess we could now! Do it now!"
"Psst," whispered Blopper, "you have the button."
Secret panels lining the makeshift ship's hull gave way. Barrel after barrel of Blatzies burst out. A thunderous boom caused ripples as they all sounded simultaneously, each trained on some target high in the sky. It was smoke on the water, but a fiery display filled the sky.
"That is the signal!" alerted Gabon. "Now, we attack!"
"Wait, that is what the button was for?" questioned the curious cupcake.
"Um, yeah," stated the skeletal sailor. "How else would I get your attention? And now we can begin the attack! After this little aside, of course." Even the enemy agreed with nodding noggins -- or whole body-head fusions for those who lacked either.
"you told me that we couldn't carry any provisions because of those cannons," drolled out the dopey fish.
"I don't understand what the big deal is. It isn't like we're starving yet," huffed the scurvy skull-wearer. "Besides, we're in the ocean! There are plenty of fish to eat!" At long last, it is revealed how the team was able to get Kine to do whatever they wanted.
"Yarrr, we instead coulda just blasted 'em horny-hatted dogs to Davey Jone's kennel, as that's the place where dogses goes," Mumbies just sorta said to say things. "Yarrrr," once more for good measure.
"The important thing is that I got all of your attention," claimed cranial Captain Gabon. "Hey, Mika, stop doing that!"
"Fires! Yay!" the distracted tangerine further distracted the rest with her adorable fascination of destruction. Well, at least she wasn't the cause of it this time, right?
"Geez, with the way you're all acting, you'd think something bad happened from my Super Signal Plan of Secretness and Also Some Awesomeness™."
"Like bloving up Kracko," Yuki pointed out the immolated eye in the sky.
"Pretty colors!" cheerily chirped Mikarin, which of course did little to help the cremated cloud. "Yay!"
"Well, Kracko is barely even part of the story," brushed off the bony buccaneer. "Nothing else bad happened, tho'."
"You mean other than all the fire that fell straight back down to our ship?" Blopper again killed all joy. "And Kracko's vengeful corpse?"
"'Not part of the story' this!" kamikaze Kracko let out as he crashed through the what little of a hull remained atop Kine.
"What did you expect from shooting fireworks in the air? Hasn't anyone ever explained to you how gravity works?"
"Yeah, but that was an hour ago," attempted to rationalize the very lost captain. "Professor Sockington, I told you to give me fifteen minutes refreshers!"
"Okay, that isn't even a sock puppet; that is just a sock," plainly stated Mikarin, so that gives you an idea of just how sad the situation is.
"Forsooth, I durst not believe thou art actually a threat to our Thing Chief," Nordic ninja Waiyu broke the silence, demonstrating his knowledge that "thing" is legitimate Norse term, "nor that we sat here patiently for thou, either. We seem to doth that a lot. Probably the only reason why thou art a threat." And it was upon making this realization that the raider made another important one; he was now aboard the sinking, burning chunk of hull the heroes called a ship. "By Odin's beard's beard! What sorcery is this?"
"The sorcery of Gabon's Super Signal Plan of Secretness and Also Some Awesomeness™, biznatches!" the femur fighter's fading voice called out as the former viking vessel rowed into the horizon instead of around it. The resulting crash broke off the dragon figurehead's head. "Well, that made things much less dramatic."
"Are you honestly gonna try passing this off as your plan all along?" Jumping Dan denied. "How was destroying Kracko and our own makeshift ship a plan of any sort? That just doesn't make any sense!"
"Um... the last ten posts?" impeccably answered Gabon.
"Well, as long as we are in this mode, I'm going to take this setting sun with us," the superhero star stated as he picked the half-circle out of the water. "Ever since I got outta Kine, I've been gimmickless, and if there is one thing carrying around half of the sun somehow says, it's gimmick~!" What the half sun actually said was -
"Help me!" the bisected Mr. Bright bewailed.
"Wow, really?" exclaimed the non-exoskeletoned explorer. "There is still more to this post, even after that? You can just tell the writing is gettin' lazy."
"Sure is," he said.
"Anyway, according to this treasure map," the good captain Gabon continued, producing said map from no where -- both physically and in terms of storyline -- "Meta Mirror Dark Marxer², Sr., is located on the Candy Islands of Death." He pondered a moment. "Why is the Big Bad's location marked on a treasure map?"
"Because we be pirates, matey," Mumbies mumbled, "or maybe they be pirates. Arr, somebody be pirates, at any rate, and pirates need maps -- maps and wenches!" The crew was quick to race to claim "Not it," except for -
"not i-, um, it was probably them who were pirates," Kine didn't really remember but desperately hoped.
As the poorly bound planks sank and traded a fiery end for a watery grave, the not-ninja did what he always did and waited for the story focus to return to him before acting in any capacity. All the anchors and cannons and lack of support upon a sunfish caused the heroes' former and half-finished, entirely destroyed ship to take on water just as fast as it would have even if it had not been for the charred, sooty scars that only perfect planning could produce.
"What are we gonna do now?" asked Axe Knight, who fit the viking theme a little too well to be there.
"All art not lost," the warrior band's leader told the third skeletal character yet to appear in this story. "Only our ship and all but four of our party." Waiyu then cast a wayward eye to see the still, no-longer bubbling surface of the sea. "Three.
"We dost have what art most important, however," the aquatic assassin announced to the few living ears as he produced a sinister cookie made much less sinister by virtue of being a cookie. "We have a way to advance the plot!"
"I can't believe it!" the skull was shocked. "This thing has a plot?